!Trigger Warning!
3rd day before the deadline of my major. I am in panic mode as I do not have any motivation and inspiration to continue. I am feeling nauseous, demotivated, and tired. Last term for year 1. Barely surviving mentally. Kinda missing myself when these creative juices are just overflowing.
I am tired and I am cramming and feeling helpless. Needed to write this out for a relief. I have felt failure and because of that, I am sorta continuing it without my control.
My back hurts. I don’t have the right board. It is a big paper. I hated that time in my university is so fast. We only get a 1 week break every term. Is college really like this? I hated that my cousins brag that they don’t do much in college but they lives are going great for them now. I hated that they dismisses how I felt. I am so down. My mood is so low. I have no money. I lived in my aunts house. I am tired of house works. I am tired being able to balance chores and studying. I am tired worrying about going back to my real house, which by the way is a mess. I hated my house now. It is small and cramped and hot.
I missed the old days. I am aware that life will be harder. This doesn’t help be at all though. I understand that it will be harder and that frustrates me. Which means, will I be a failure? I cannot fail. Not again. I finally wanted this course and I can see myself working.
You know what I think? I think I am physically capable of doing this tasks. However, I am barely surviving mentally. I get anxiety and nobody understands. They pity me. I can sense it. And it is not helping me. I get pretty overwhelmed and ends up abandoning what I am doing.
I am unhealthy. I sleep late. I am barely living. I need help, although I cannot afford therapy. I need help. I did asked for help. Ask my counselor. He was not of help. He send me pictures doing breathing exercises. He’s giving advices that are not helpful personally. I appreciate but I needed help. Like seriously.
Still have a lot on my thoughts but I’m glad I shared this.
Be right back, will study for the exams later.
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