Idiot in Another Lifetime Entirely

Sometimes, I feel that I may have made a mistake. I worry over it a while and then I try to change my thoughts about it. I try to tell myself that things will change; things change constantly. I still don’t feel good about it.

We seem to paint a pretty picture for a lot of people…but I never should have gotten married. I’d like to say that I didn’t see it coming but I had some worries about it beforehand. Why did I still go through with it? The only thing I can think is that I’m an idiot.

He’s not abusive at least. But I’m starting to see him in a different light. He’s not the things I should have chosen for my partner. I guess he just pretended to be long enough to get here where we are right now.

I wish I had chosen someone who cares what I have to say and values my ideas. Many times he seems to do this “Yeah yeah yeah” thing to rush me through what I’m trying to say. I don’t even really enjoy conversation with him anymore. It doesn’t feel like I have someone backing me up…I feel like he’s the one against me. There’s a lot of things that are not matching up right now. I’m beginning to think the only reason we ever got together was because of music. Even that has become something different.

It’s honestly a really sad realization, especially since we’re newlyweds. I’d like to say that I didn’t realize but maybe I did somewhere deep down. I wonder how I got so caught up in it that I didn’t stop and think “Do I really want this?”. I’m beginning to wonder if I would make the same mistake a million more times if I lived long enough to. Idiot.

Maybe this is some kind of bad Karma coming back around to punish me. I kind of miss being alone.