Today is another particularly difficult day.
I had to go in to work early today, which in and of itself is fine, but with my issues yesterday I had trouble sleeping. I had to wear my ear plugs at work today. The kids were fascinated, even though I’ve worn them a handful of times before. Aloha insisted that I was listening to music instead of him and wouldn’t believe that they make earbuds that are not for music. I was so exhausted that my joints hurt and it felt like I was moving through pudding and when I get too tired, I get overstimulated and irritable very easily. My doc suggested I go back on trazodone but it made me so drowsy in the mornings that it was difficult for me to function. Plus, we may try to have another baby soon and I don’t think that trazodone is safe in pregnancy. Maybe class C, like my other meds? I dunno. Either way… I take a ton of melatonin and my body refuses to stay asleep.
Speaking of pregnancy, Cinderella had her baby 10 days ago. And she is adjusting WAY better than Spaceman and I did. I’m upset at myself for being jealous but I am. It took me almost a year to feel like a normal human again, to stop having intrusive thoughts about hurting both of us, to just… function. Meanwhile Cindy can go out and grab milk without her bub and be… idk. normal?
I wrote an actual physical journal entry to my breastfeeding self and finally healed that rift a few months ago. However, I will never stop feeling guilty about how long it took me to feel like a decent mom. Most of the time… I still don’t.
On a happier note, Spaceman told me goodnight for the first time. Well, kinda. He looked at me after I put him in his crib and said “bye~!” as I was leaving.
He is getting so big. Really, the only thing about him that is still “baby” is the diapers, and those will be going in a few months, too. My baby is a kid now.
Damn the passage of time.
xx
mercurialmama
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