Where do I start…
I found you online and you were the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen. It was predominantly one way conversation. I kinda gave up on you and figured you were way out of my league. But two years later you said hello and a few days later we were on a date. I found out you were dating someone else when I was bombarding you with messages. The date was great! I loved the connection we had and the honesty. It was probably my favourite date out of the hundreds I’d had over the previous few years.
I had dated quite a bit since my long term break up and was a bit tired of dating in general, but what I learned was that I needed to be honest about everything - warts and all. So there we were on our first date and I had this refreshing feeling of just being completely honest about who I am, what I stand for, how I was hurt in the past - and it was reciprocated; you told me lots too. I had this childish excitement which I hadn’t felt on a date in… well ever.
My problem was that if I really liked somebody on a date, I would be afraid to make a move. The fear of rejection was real. I missed out on some potentially nice girls because of this fear. Some told me after that they liked me, but they thought I mustn’t have liked them, one even told me they wanted me to jump on them at one point. If I was attracted to the girl but didn’t see them as a potential partner, I had no problem making a move. It was just chemistry, not connection - and we’d be in bed within a date or two, a short fling and then move on. Something to make me feel better about myself - fucking the pain away from my previous heartache. If the past thought me anything, it was that I needed to take chances, be bold, put myself out there to be hurt. So I did it, I leaned over for a kiss when I was dropping you home.
The embarrassment, the shame, the rejection - had I misread everything? I just wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. You said you didn’t like kisses. I drove home, my heart sank. Should I have waited, should I have tried to build a better connection first, maybe you just weren’t attracted to me. You were still way out of my league but I hoped that maybe looks weren’t as important to you as connection.
I reached out to you the next day but no response. Then a week later, nothing… Eventually you reached back and told me that you weren’t in a space for a relationship but that you liked me as a person and maybe we could be friends. I liked you so much that I didn’t even bat an eyelid, of course I’d want to be friends with you - you’re fucking awesome! We got close pretty quickly, went for dinners, drinks, fun day trips, then a few weekend trips. We slept in the same bed but never did anything. There were moments where I felt you liked me or were considering me, but I couldn’t be sure. I got my kicks elsewhere but imagined it was you. You got your kicks elsewhere too and I was jealous. I was falling for you.
On one of our weekend trips, it was clear you were up for a fuck - but I didn’t want to. Me! The guy who spent the last few years with only that on his mind, but I didn’t want it to be just that - a weekend fuck. I wanted you full time. If we were going to do that I wanted you the next day too, I wanted you all the time. I think I thought that I needed to be true to myself and also show you that I was serious about you.
We grew closer again, we spoke about maybe a relationship in the future, about moving to Asia together. We were inseparable. You’d spend three or four days a week by my place and I’d spend one or two by yours. I’m the guy who invested thousands of dollars in man hours on your business, building your new website and setting a strategy for it. I’m the guy who wanted to partner with you on it and help you reach your potential so you would never be reliant on a man for anything (something which you considered and it upset me so much as I could see you have so much to offer the world). I’m the guy who cooked hundreds of meals for you to make sure you were eating properly. I’m the guy who spent nights working on the same business when you were out on dates with guys you supposedly didn’t like. I’m the guy who gave you foot rubs when you were sore or tired. I’m the guy who worked on you college assignments when you were tired and stressed cos I wanted you to get good grades and relieve your stress. I’m the guy who came to cook for you when you were drunk after a date but didn’t get fed at it. I’m the guy who buys you flowers and chocolates to cheer you up, champagne to celebrate your successes - without any expectation. It’s all just because I care and I love you.
I’m the friend who is completely in love with you still and would do anything for you. I’m the guy who is a sex fiend but has been ok with no sex over the last 6 months (apart from our two drunken fumbles which you said were mistakes), because you are literally the only person I want. I’m the friend who desperately wants to not be jealous but just can’t help it.
I’m the friend who wants to spoil you and put you at the centre of my world for the rest of my life.
Your story is different though…
You’ve built walls to protect yourself after you last relationship. Your only love and your first heartbreak. You’re where I was a few years ago. You want to have fun, you want attention and unfortunately, mine isn’t good enough anymore.
I also raised some flags. I spoke to your friend when she told me that you cockblocked me with her - I wish you knew how painful it was to know that you were going to fuck the “guy you didn’t like” the very next day. Somebody gave me attention and I thought about doing something about it to get my mind off you going to him. I was wrong though.
Of course there was also the bunny boiler situation - I handled that wrong, but between death threats against me (in one of the countries with the highest murders per capita in the world), extortion, defamation etc, it was a confusing time…
It was disappointing you didn’t tell me you had high hopes for me until the flags were raised. I don’t think the flags would ever have been raised if I thought you wanted more than friendship in the future. Part of me thinks you don’t mean it. If you had high hopes for me and you knew how I felt about you, why would you let me watch you go out with other guys and come back with stories about them, the sex, the reasons they’re not completely on your radar etc.
The last year has been confusing for me. I completely fell in love with you but you were so ambiguous and you kinda left me out in the wilderness to figure out shit for myself. Even when I asked very clear and direct questions, you had a way of answering with questions or avoiding it completely.
I wish you the best.
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