Improving in Another Lifetime Entirely

It’s hard to bring myself to read all the chaos I wrote when I frequented this place years back. I’m not going to pretend that I’ve “made it” now and life is nothing but amazing. But damn I’ve come a long ass way. While there’s probably something of value hidden in all those words, I think it would be very painful to go back and re-live. Even knowing that, I’m still not sure I’m ready to delete whole books of my past. Its really not that easy to just erase a piece of who you were. I think maybe seeing all that has made it harder for me to come here. At least for now, I’ve made private all the old entries until I decide to shed myself of them.

My struggles are not the same now. I’ve found new ones- but ones I want in my life and lead it upward. I still feel the need to empty my mind, I suppose that’s why I’m here yet again. Life is happy now and very full but I have discovered that I need more time to center thoughts and be creative.

Its strange how after you stop living in survival mode, you realize how malnourished your spirit has been. You easily recognize what it needs, once you’ve known what it feels like to be depleted. You also notice it in others. I wish I could find a way to help heal all the hearts out there hurting. I know what it’s like to sit with pain, fear and hopelessness. In some ways I’ve hardened and callused over with each blow life has delivered but my empathy and compassion for people has grown even more.

My drive to work on myself as a person has grown as well. Perhaps those are some of the most important thoughts that I need to organize. What am I trying to accomplish? What is the best version of myself and what do I need to work on? That may take some careful consideration and some very real self examination. I’m going to hold myself to doing something DAILY to improve myself. That honestly shouldn’t be too hard, it really doesn’t take very long to work at something once each day. The hard part is choosing what needs the most help or what would gain the most momentum at the moment.

I also think daily gratitude matters. It doesn’t have to be a big long list. Just really focus on the feeling and how it changes your world.

I’m grateful for the ability to string all these words together to settle my headspace and organize my plans. I’m grateful for this comfort that I find in myself now and the quiet time I have to enjoy it.