Hey Mac! in Everyday Rants...

So as I’ve said before, I want to change my name.

At first, it was simple, and common. My family name was going to be something Irish. But I dragged my ass and dragged my ass and it never happened, and I kinda left the whole idea as a day dream.

This time, I’ve got it more figured out. I’m going with something more unique, that is significantly more me, than the last one I picked out for myself. It started out as a twist on a cartoon character’s first name but it never felt right. Then I added the prefix “Mac” to it, and it just fit. It’s 12 letters, versus my current (and my previous pick) of only 5 letters. This time, I have an email address for it, I’ve already set up a Facebook page under that name, and I have some other stuff registered under that name. I already have plans for how to transition from one FB to the other, and I’m already getting things lined up to do it.

So today, one of our vendors think called me “Mac” a few times. It caught me off guard, but I actually kinda liked it, so I just rolled with it. It’s something I’ll allow when I change my name anyway, yet another decision about this already made, compared to last time.

I’m taking it as a sign to get my thumb outta my ass and get it done. It’s one thing holding me back from looking for my biological family. I figure it’d be better to wait till I have everything in order.

Because people jump to conclusions, let me clarify this. I’m NOT changing my name to hide from someone or from something I did. I’m changing my name because it doesn’t fit me anymore. The family that mattered to me is dead, and the ones that don’t matter (toxic, dramatic, abusers, users, gas lighters, etc) I’ve cut contact with to spare my sanity. I need to reinvent myself. I need to better myself. I don’t feel like I can do that with this name holding me back. I know simply changing my name doesn’t automatically make things better, or make me better, but it will make me feel more like me. I’m kinda done doing shit for everyone else for the moment. I HAVE to take care of me, physically and mentally. THEN I can deal with them. lol

I’m going to try and make an effort to get back on here. I’m keeping too much shit bottled up, and that’s not helping anything. I’m on new medication, and I’m trying to fight my way out of this depression that has been crushing me for the last few years. Hell, I’m actually taking 2 whole weeks off for vacation this year. I can’t remember the last time I did anything even remotely like that. Going to go meet up with friends out of town. That should help, considering Seattle is part of my problem. I still need to move away from here, but there’s nothing I can afford that would work right now.

Here’s hoping new motivations stick around.