07/01/2021, 2:04 a.m. to 2:20 a.m.
What’s something you regret not saying?
Honestly, as soon as I saw this prompt, I had to write about it. It weighs heavy, very heavy on me. Not a lot of people in my life actually know about this but I do have one regret in my life. Out of 19 and a half years, or 7,211 days, I only have one big regret. Sure I have some things that I’m not proud of that I’ve done, but I don’t regret them enough to want to go back and change them if I was given the opportunity.
As for the answer to this question, I love you. And no, I don’t want to say I love you once more to any of my exes or anyone in my life. This is really hard for me to write about. But I mean it. Because it has been 485 days without my father. 485 days since I saw my father for the last time in person and he didn’t even know I was there. At that point, he was basically already gone. And that leads me into my biggest regret. My biggest regret in life that I would give anything to go back and change is the fact that I never truly got to say goodbye and I love you to my father one last time.
While I was growing up, my father had a lot of medical issues. It started when I was 7 and spanned up until I was 19. So when he went into the hospital the last time, I didn’t go see him. He had been in the hospital so much and I I was mad. Not mad, disappointed I guess you could say. Because I thought he wasn’t taking care of himself again and that what happened could have been avoided. But it wasn’t his fault and there was nothing that could be done about it. And I didn’t realize how serious it was until it was too late. And I beat myself up over it all the time. Because my brother got to see him, my mother got to spend time with him. But me, I was just so stupid and naive and just ignored it.
So by the time I actually went to the hospital and saw him, he was basically gone. He was hooked up on all sorts of machines and a ventilator and and he wasn’t responding. He wasn’t awake or aware of anything, he was basically in a coma. He just kept getting worse. The one time he needed me the most, I wasn’t there.
And it has been four hundred and eighty-five days without my father. My father got to see me graduate, he got to see me go to prom, he got to see me accomplish a majority of my 4-H achievements. But he missed out on meeting my goat’s daughter, and unfortunately I had to sell both of my goats, he missed out on seeing me be 4-H Fair President, he missed out on me getting my first boyfriend. But now he also is going to miss out on my little brother starting senior year this fall, he’s missing out on my brother graduating, my brother doing what he loves to do. My father is missing out on so much stuff and I hate it. I don’t get why this had to happen.
And it’s been really hard for me lately. I’ve gone through so much heartbreak and hardships in one year. And lately, I’ve been sleeping in my living room to keep cool during a heat wave and at night, at night it’s really bad. Because his urn that I picked out for him, Steelers themed-his favorite football team, is kept in the living room and I’ve been thinking about him so much. I just, I really want my father back.
I am so sorry, daddy. I love you.
- your pumpkin
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