06/07/21 1:40pm
I despise the reliance on technology but I see it’s purpose and convenience.
My clothes are dirty. I smell horrendous.
A mess to say the least but yet I still can’t force myself to want to get up and bathe. It’s a heavy and crippling feeling I tend to vent and complain of to much, pushing the majority away. I used to be a man with pride and courage and a reason to wake up in the earliest hours of the morning. Building my empire steady and progressively day by day thru the blisters and calluses on my palms. Then demons took me by my neck and choked me unconscious and when I came to all that I loved was gone and my health had been starved into malnutrition. Since my mental awakening I haven’t been the same. Life has no zest. I have no reason anymore. They say depression is the true silent killer and all signs are pointing to Lauderdale.
I’ve witnessed many of people fall to their own hands and many to the hands of cowards. My heart will forever ache for them and their loved and close.
But as selfish as it sounds and is, I pray every night never to open my eyes to the light of day again every time I collapse wherever I may fall. Let me fade into the curiosity that is sleep and death. Unfortunately, I enter the waiting room and wait patiently for another day of torture. Woken by the sounds of the ghetto street racers tires melting on the asphalt from a amateur burnout.
The disappointment of oxygen still flowing in my lungs is to much for me to handle and I begin to sob. I see no more light at the end of this dingy tunnel. Only a inevitable life long suffering followed by a spontaneous death.
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the swaying question here is do the cards ACTUALLY matter? The cards you are dealt by whatever manmade being our brain has depicted and adopted as the “most” powerful of all men and whatever losers got hot and heavy and created you.
Let it be accident or miracle.
Symbolic cards that represent the environment that you are born into and the opportunities for a stable and comfortable life. The cards that some theorize predetermine a persons entire future.
Yet the white man will say everyone is gifting equal opportunity regardless of Sex, Orientation, Gender, Race, or Religion!
(ONLY) As long as you have no mental traumas or inhibitors and have a strong enough work ethic to accomplish Uncle Sam and good ole America’s dream!
I am a product of functioning alcoholic parents. One adopted at birth with ptsd from finding his father with a self inflicted gun shot wound to he head. The other coming from a mentally ill, broken, dysfunctional, and addiction fueled family upbringing.
My cards where not ideal. My parents decided to have kids and be their emotional and physical support without being able to control their own emotions all while drowning in their own baggage and battling numerous personal demons.
I don’t know if I will ever fall out of the ways I was raised and the maladaptive coping skills I’ve developed over the years.
I know I am the only thing holding myself back in this day and age. But someday I will prevail and I will stand on the highest mountain in Montana again.
But until then I’m sure my days will be filled with the expected anomalies.
Always yours,
i.r.
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