After getting that big revelation out of the way yesterday, I think today I should write about something else that my therapist has been asking me to ponder.
How I feel when someone refers to me a female: It used to be anger, but lately it has been making me react with sadness instead. I get sad that people see me differently from the way I see myself. There is no part of me that identifies as strictly female and I don't think there is anything obviously feminine about me other than the pitch of my voice, which I can't control. The hormones will eventually take care of that. Frequently when someone calls me "miss" or "ma'am" I almost immediately feel tears in my eyes, and I have to walk away rather than embarrass myself by crying openly in front of them. I want to ask them what about me makes them think I am a woman? My breasts are bound, my hair is short, and I am wearing men's clothes. When I look in the mirror I definitely don't see a woman.
How I feel when someone refers to me as male: Happy and comfortable. Even though I don't identify strictly as male, I know I present myself publicly as male. It's my intention for people to see me as male. In fact, more and more lately I feel like I identify as male. As we are planning our commitment ceremony, we first talked about identifying me as genderqueer and using the pronoun "they" for me. But it was my idea that I would identify as male instead. I want to be seen as the husband, not as the spouse. I want to accept the typically male role in my marriage. My husband sees me as a man and I want to be a man for him. Probably best to say it this way, I identify as genderqueer in general when I am out in public, but when I am home I identify as male.
Loading comments...