I have had a sneaky habit of checking through my parents things to understand their actual stand and happenings, and this has been with me right from childhood as long as I remember.
Sometimes just for the adrenaline rush and possible loose ends of things I don’t know. Sometimes just to get a hold of my matters that they share knowledge of and like that.
This practice before the major shake up of my life was tormenting and difficult to accept on personal level but I could push through convincing myself that it’s the need of the hour. But these days, I crave for that sneaky pleasures. When I say sneaky stuff I don’t just mean the going through stuff thing (granted that it’s creepy) but also other things like going to meet someone while having informed of going somewhere else, college bunks, clubbing, eating non veg, drinking and all that.
Right now I stand in a conjuncture where I am supposed to get married and as much as I wanted that and dreamed of all that with lalit 3 yrs ago, I can’t understand what to do and how to move along with this thing. Not that I don’t want to, I feel I should, atleast give it a try but to try that too, I should know things and be able to do them. For some reason, I am just not able to.
I was working.. infact was in a really good position at my job but I just withdrew myself one day… Not exaggerating or kidding, I just took a day off and the next day felt like needed too and went on so for about 25 days and I was out of my position. I mean why wouldn’t they. And I haven’t been able to get myself back there until now and been more than a year.
Thanks to the pandemic, one - I could cover that that’s how I lost my job, two - my family’s financial situation had stooped so badly. Until now, even after knowing about things I wantingly willingly choose not to participate. Convinced the best thing to compensate would be not to demand anything. Meanwhile, my frnds who pushed me to work aren’t hearing from me ( I so love them which words can’t measure but I just can’t face them). Meanwhile, my father has borrowed from my uncles (that’s what I know of). And I know is going through a very stressed and bad time with a positive hope and smile (that he shows us). There was a terrible comment by my aunt during a controversial family fight drama (wherein my dad wasn’t even directly involved), it got us all infuriated but he handled even that with calm smile and soft heart.
As per my habit, I went through his phone today. I do that once every couple of days. Mostly these days I do it to understand the scenario of my arranged marriage matrimonial updates. And among those msgs I saw one thread between him and one of his industry associates with whom he had regular deals before pandemic. And there was his request msg which broke me. I never want to see my dad ever do that to anyone and all this while I had been doing that only. For some reason my heart wanted to see that it was just the only one and it was just the only one msg. But his calls and meetings that i hadn’t heard of would have been more of this and that makes me want to kill myself. Having tried killing myself in 2019, I stopped that thought for my parents but i haven’t been able to live too.. now each day I look up counting days and hoping they are short because I can’t honestly picture myself living a full life. Why am I feeling that I can’t keep up with anything that knocks my door. And I am just not enough or I don’t have what it takes. I can’t see my dad like this. God, please make this go away.. please
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