I don’t know if this will be the method of journaling I will stick with. I have always wanted to journal everyday. I collect notebooks that I’ve had since I was 12, a few pages written in…yet I can’t get rid of them. Now at 25 I feel like life and time is slipping by and if I don’t write it down I will forget all the tiny moments. I love writing by hand, but I tried despite my body’s protests. Now with the actually need to write, the craving, my mind won’t be quiet until I write it down…now my body won’t let me. My hand cramps after 2 sentences. I can barely fill up open tiny page, where I used to write for hours in my notebooks, vicariously living through my stories.
Now at the young age of 25, my nerves are being chewed on by my immune system, some days I feel like and 80 year old with all my aches and pains. I strive to write in my rose gold spiral journal, but I think the physical pain it takes me to just write has me hesitating....procrastinating, until it’s been months and I feel guilty for neglecting the small act of selfcare I do. I dream of one day my children needing to know what happened during 2020, and I will have handwritten accounts of how we were feeling, what the chaos was like. Think of the journals that survive from the 1800s, I’m probably the last generation to learn cursive, to have this stubbornness to write down physically instead of typing. Typing is faster, easier on my hands 90% percent of the time. There’s less muscle cramping because I’m not trying to grip a pen. Even though I finally found a butter smooth pen that doesn’t smudge for us lefties…it’s so s a t i s f y i n g. Gah. But even the butter smoothness doesn’t ease my literal had cramps.
But I like the idea of this anonymous community sharing. I think we are all so caught up in our own thoughts that we don’t get to understand that what we feel is common. We feel so alone in our thoughts, it’s so gratifying to be validated by strangers. You do this too? You feel this too? I think because this platform in some ways feels a little less personal, there’s no risk for my family to come upon my unfiltered thoughts that I can write about things that truly bother me.
I’m thinking if I stick with this platform…because I have the attention span of a gold fish, and quickly get bored, I want up some old journal entries. To have everything all together.
That’s it for now I guess…trying to inconspicuously write while not getting caught at work. But like I said the words need to be write out or the just circle in my brain over and over and over.
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