Well, I started this prosebox to write about personal things that come up in therapy and there is a big personal thing that we have discussed quite a bit in therapy that I've actually been really afraid to write about. It's not something I like to share with people and even bringing it up in therapy was extremely difficult. In my last session, when it came up again, my therapist asked if I had been writing about it. I said no. She challenged me to attempt to do it this week. That was Monday. I'm scared to do it, but I want to be able to tell her that I tried.
Here it is: when we were teenagers, I was sexually active with my brother. Not just once or twice, but on a regular basis for many years. This was not sexual abuse. I know most people like to blame the male in scenarios like this. But our relationship was different. I was the older sister. I was already sexually experienced and he wasn't. The first time it happened, we both wanted to do it. And it was always a mutual thing after that.
At first it just felt like a fun naughty thing we were doing. I took pride in taking my brother's virginity. About a month into it, I became really emotionally attached to the relationship. I realize now that I was in love with him. I was physically attracted to him and romantically in love with him. I always told him I loved him during sex. He usually would say the same to me. But I don't think he ever loved me the way I loved him.
Our relationship lasted more than three years. During that time he had other girlfriends. I was dating someone at first, but ended it mostly so I could focus on my relationship with my brother. I was jealous that I wasn't the only lover in his life.
Our relationship ended artificially because I moved far away to college. When I would return home to visit, we would have sex, but things never felt the same. I realized as I was getting into my 20s and our sexual relationship had all but completely ended that I needed to just accept it and move on. I really didn't want to at first. I wanted to fight for him and stay with him.
I think back fondly to my relationship with him. I learned a lot about sex with him. Our sex could be very kinky at times, and I did things with him I've never done with anyone else. I also recall sex with him that lasted two hours or longer and I can't believe that was ever possible.
We have a decent relationship now as adults. We absolutely never discuss our past.
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