The visit to Ohio went mostly well. Had some crappy weather and some good weather.
I guess I'm loathe to go into it, but I should. The more I realize it, the more I understand that Amanda may not be the friend I thought she was.
1) She didn't trust me with a key to her apartment so she said on Friday (since she was working) I had to either leave at 7:15 in the morning and basically find something to do until I could go drop off my stuff at Catie's or wait until she (maybe) came home for lunch around 11:30.
2) She was complaining constantly about the bars she, Heather, Catie and I went to on Saturday. Because, you know, she's used to not paying for her own drinks and when she does, they're at swanky places that charge $12-16 for one drink.
3) She said something callous that Catie didn't react well to. Granted, I think Catie overreacted, but the more I think about it, the more I think Catie did it for my benefit, knowing how Amanda has been to me in the past (I'm thinking the NYC trip last June which I won't go into detail here) and Catie knows I'm too kind to stand up to her on my own if I don't feel it's worth it.
4) This one's a bit long, because this one hurt me the most. I budgeted for this trip (after all, Amanda had offered to reimburse me for gas, which surprisingly she did after I reminded her--though she did try to get out of it, claiming it wasn't the same since I was going to make several trips due to my moving out there, etc...). I expected to go out to eat ONCE, and that was Saturday night with Catie. Hell, I offered to be the DD that night because I didn't/couldn't spend $30-50 in drinks (I got free diet coke at two of three bars for being the DD). We ended up going out to eat 4 times, and I'm not talking McDonald's. I ordered cheaper options and still spent an average of $30 (with tip) on each meal.
We were in Cincinnati Monday night (going to a Reds game that was cancelled, so we just hung out at the mall there) and Amanda asked where we wanted to eat. I had a gift card that would cover a meal from Seasons 52, at the very least we could put the dinner on one check and I could use the gift card and then we'd split the difference between us. Heather was fine with that, but Amanda wanted to go to the Cheesecake Factory. At this point, I was upset because I was already over budget, spent all but $12 of my cash in food (I expected to bring $70 of it back home) and I wasn't sure if Amanda was going to pay me back. I was so hungry but I didn't order food, I just said I was going to order a diet coke and a piece of cheesecake (which is what my $12 would get me). I actually almost cried I was so upset. I've never felt the need to just not get dinner, you know ? And I know, whiny me, but it was a new feeling and I felt embarrassed and worthless and... well... I felt like a loser.
Anyway, Heather, who has only recently not had to worry much about money (she and her husband are finally in a good place after years of financial difficulty) immediately offered to get me dinner. I said I couldn't accept and just wanted the cheesecake and diet coke. So she said, "Okay, you get your drink and cheesecake and I'll get you those fish tacos you were mentioning." Amanda said nothing the whole time. Heather, who has had financial struggles all over the place and has to monetarily help her in-laws and had to pay her way through college, offered to help me. Amanda, who had over $30,000 in savings from working 2 years at an accounting office when she got fired because she failed her CPA exam three times (on purpose, I'm guessing--she led me to believe that), bought a brand new car that she made $800 monthly payments on and paid it off in 2 years, has no husband or boyfriend and doesn't financially help anyone but herself, who can afford to buy $1000 trench coats and take trips to Hawaii and Italy, and paid NOT A PENNY for college to get her bachelor's and her master's... she said nothing about buying me dinner. Not a damn thing.
Heather bought me dinner when I started to freak out because I thought I just couldn't in good conscience buy another expensive meal during the trip. Catie is letting me LIVE IN HER HOUSE rent-free, not even allowing me to contribute to buying groceries because she said I shouldn't have to worry about losing money right before trying to find my first apartment with Cori. I told her if I'm in her house past August 1st, I will INSIST on paying some rent and contribute to groceries (I actually still want to do something in June and July, though). She still didn't want me to. I told her, too bad, she'd get home from work to a full fridge.
Amanda wouldn't give me her spare apartment key for one day. Catie gives me a spare key to her house (which I am literally holding on to, even being here in Virginia) and said, "Just let me know when you think you'll be stopping by, I don't really need too much advance notice."
My mom and Cori (and a few others) have said as much... I can't treat Amanda like she's my best friend anymore just because she talked to me a couple nights I called her at 2am after moving from Ohio in 2005, upset and missing everyone and everything I left. Yes, she has done things for me. Yes, she paid some of my NYC trip last year and reimbursed me for gas last week. But these reimbursements were of things that I still had to spend more money on. Gas, sure, but I had to buy like 4 expensive dinners while visiting her and if the Reds game hadn't been cancelled, I would've owed her $40 for that. When she randomly visited in July, I was the one who missed days from work and she never paid me back for the baseball game we went to. Yes, she brought me back a few really cute things from her trip to Italy. But... you know... in the car she said, "That's a huge thing Catie is doing for you. I could never do something like that." In essence what I heard was, "You could be out on the street for all I care, and I wouldn't take you in."
I'm not anywhere near where I thought I'd be in life at this point. I feel bad enough as it is, and scared enough about the upcoming months. But if I knew Amanda was in trouble, or Catie, or Heather, and I had the means to help them in ANY way... goddamnit, I would ! Cori has been in some rough situations too, and I've always tried to help how I could. And honestly... I don't ever expect anything in return. And look... obviously I'm focusing on the negative. Amanda is not a bad person--she was my biggest cheerleader about my decision to move to Ohio and she has talked me down several times when I'm panicking, and has given me ideas and encouraged me and reminded me that a lot of the problems I'm having are not my fault--some are economy-related, others are health-related, and yet others are simply because I still don't know what to do with my life, and that's not a measure of who I am as a person. But... when it comes down to it... she is only concerned with herself. It's all she's got room for.
That is the lesson I think I finally learned while in Ohio. The best friend I thought I had... she's a close friend, yes, but maybe not a true friend. The friend I had that I wish I'd focused on in the last 9 years ? Catie... yes, we visited and sent gifts and cards to each other. We never stopped being friends or communicating. But in retrospect... she's the one who is helping me when I need help. She's the one who is doing me a favor I may never be able to repay (but would in a heartbeat, if given the chance and ability). She's the one who thinks nothing of trusting me with a key to her house. She's not concerned with my roommate behavior or whether or not I'll clean up after myself. She knows and trusts that I will.
But Amanda... I can list a few pages of things she's done or said that give evidence that she may not be the friend I thought she was. The other list, it is much, much shorter.
And that was the lesson of that trip. It's sad, but... I can't deny it anymore.
~Rachel
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