This entry is going to be all over the place as I have quite a bit to update on.
I'll go ahead and dive into problem 1 of 2 because it just happened and I'm madder than a wet hen right now. Cassidy got a 3DS for Christmas and figured out quickly that she can access Youtube among other sites when she's on wifi. I've already been getting pissed lately because she plays/watches it with headphones on so every time I'm calling her for dinner or trying to talk to her, she doesn't hear me (or ignores me probably). I told her yesterday she needs to stop using the headphones because I'm sick of her not listening. Sometimes it does comes in handy because it does allow me the time to study or work or just relax for a second. But, like I said, lately it has been getting out of hand. This evening I was watching TV and she was sitting next to me on the couch with the 3DS and headphones on, but I didn't mind since we were together so if I needed to talk to her she could hear me. Then she went into her room. I went in there to tell her I was about to make her supper when she acts shady with her 3DS. I rip that shit out of her hands and unplug the headphones and all I hear is "fuck this" and "suck my dick" that.
Umm Excuse Me?!?!??!
You gotta be kidding me? I don't even know what that shit was. It looked like some sketch comedy thing for ADULTS. But in the two seconds I watched/listened to that garbage I was, to say the least, appalled. Really? Why the hell are you, a nine year old, watching such explicit and inappropriate content?!?
Ya know, I thought I've done a pretty good job of shielding her from the all the obscenities of the world. In fact, Bradley thinks I've put her in too much of a bubble. Regardless, I've gone through great lengths to protect her, teach her morals and values, and guide her into the right direction. I don't cuss around her, I don't listen to rap music with her in the car, she's not exposed to violent or overly sexual movies. And yet, she finds it okay to watch some obscene bullshit on youtube? And try to hide it from me? Oh hail nah. Dude I'm pissed. I took that DS into my room and threw it into my closet. I tried googling "how to react to your child looking up inappropriate material" as she cried and wailed from her room "I hate my self" "please trust me again." Blah blah. Don't care. My google search was futile, as most topics I found dealt with young kids looking at porn and how to deal with sexuality, which wasn't exactly the case here.
After I took a few minutes to calm down I went and her room and told her to stop with the dramatics (i.e. the "I hate myself" bullshit) and stop playing the victim card. She's pretty much grounded for life, no electronics, definitely no 3DS/computer or internet of any kind, and she's pretty much a prisoner in her room until the end of eternity.
I'm just so hurt and disappointed right now. It may not seem like a big deal to some and maybe it's just "kids being kids." But, I thought I could trust her. I thought she knew better than to do some sketch shit behind my back. I'm not a helicopter parent and I guess maybe I gave her TOO much freedom instead of monitoring her better. I dont know...
What would you do? What should I do? I haven't given her a full out lecture yet. I'm waiting for Bradley to get here before we divide and conquer.
The next issue is with the other child, Zion. Bradley's 9 year old. As you know, or maybe not, we are getting full custody of him after school gets out next month. (I say "we" in hopes that we will all be living under the same roof by then). Anyways, we went to therapy last Thursday after like a two month hiatus (the last time we were there was when we had an all out, ring-throwing brawl.) Anyways, so we told them everything was going better now blah blah. And then they asked us how well we thought we knew each other. I said a 7.5 and he said a 9.9. To make a long story short, the counselors suggested we get to know each other better by asking questions and communicating because often times couples assume they know what their partner wants/needs/thinks, and then get angry/disappointed when they find out their assumption was wrong (i.e. assuming the husband wants to have kids but he doesn't). We didn't go into anything particular at that time. But on the way home Bradley asked me if I feel the same love/bond for Zion as he does with Cassidy. The truth is (and I was honest) is no. I don't. And there is a multitude of reasons for it. Number one being there hasn't been enough time to for any kind of relationship. Yes we get him all summer and then all the holidays speckled in between them, but nothing that would allow a real love to flourish. Okay reason #2, Zion has a mom. And although I don't agree with her on everything, she is a decent human being and mother and I would never ever try to disrespect her role as his mother and overstep my boundaries. Now that will change a bit when we do have him full time and I am his primary maternal caregiver. But even then, I would never try to take her place or try to discount her role as his mother and mine as the step mother. He doesn't see or understand that point. Because he doesn't have to worry about that. Cassidy doesn't have a dad, she never has, and he never will be apart of her life. So Bradley was able to come in as Daddy numero uno. He doesn't have to be mindful or respectful as his role as the "step dad" because he is the real dad. The other issue at hand which has nothing to do with Zion, but there is some resentment that won't allow me to accept him so gracefully. More specifically, resentment with Bradley. Given our current legal and living situations I'm always the main caregiver with Cassidy. His daily life is never affected by her. You know what I mean? If she's sick at school, I go get her. If I can't take her to soccer practice because I have to work late, I have to arrange for someone else to give her a ride. Okay, that's fine, i'm her mom and that's what we do. But then, when we have Zion for the summer, Im STILL responsible for all those things. I work, I go to school and then I have to do all the parenting stuff, with his kid and mine. And I know I shouldn't look at him as "his son," but I do. And I feel bad because I know that he doesn't look at Cassidy that way. If someone asks how many kids he has, he includes Cassidy. Hell, he has her name tattooed on him along with Zion and the adopted son Orta. But, it still pisses me off. I'm hoping once we're all under one roof and together as a family things will change. But for now, I can't force a feeling that's not there. And that hurts Bradley, a lot. But what I can I do?
Those are my two crises at the moment. Everything else is going pretty well, school is good, work is good. In weight loss news and I am starting to feel more and more confident. I'm not sure how much weight I've lost exactly, but I still have quite a bit to go. I've been working out pretty regularly and have been getting good. I've been pinning a lot of summer outfits on Pinterest which is helping me stay motivated and on track. Here are a couple of progress pics:
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