I have to say, it gets really fucking old being the only single one out of EVERYONE in your group. And no matter how lonely and desperate I get, I just can't get that one person out of my head. And because I still feel like I belong to him, I can't get myself to let any other man in.
And you know what that one person is doing? He's with his wife and daughter and LIVING LIFE while I watch it go by and wait for one ending or another. And in the meantime, he's checking in on my diary to see what I'm up to but not letting me in. He took the time to find where my words had moved to when OD ended, and then when I point out that I know he's there, he disappears again like a coward instead of manning-up to what he's doing.
I am so desperate for the sound of his voice and his soothing words to get me thru all of the crap I'm dealing with right now, and I know I shouldn't be because he belongs to another woman, but he keeps coming back, and I feel like I need it in my life. But when confronted on his presence, he runs away instead of dealing with it, just like he did when he lied about why he was ending things 3 years ago.
And tonight I'm angry about it! I'm angry that I'm even in this position in the first place! I'm angry that he's ruined me for a new relationship for God knows how long! I'm angry that I've been celibate for years because neither one of us could stomach the thought of me being with another man! I'm angry that he tells me how much he loves me but that he wouldn't come back even if his wife left him! And I'm angry at myself for being angry about any of these things! I shouldn't care at all at this point! And yet I go thru every day, every week, every month, every year, waiting for him to come back, and hating myself for it.
And now the next time he decides to creep in and see what I've been up to, he's going to read this entry, and it's going to make him feel angry and guilty and sad. And if he reads it first, he won't even see what's going on with Kara and that my loneliness is the least of my problems, and he'll get lost inside his thoughts, and it won't do me a damn bit of good...
And nothing has changed except that I got it out in the open.
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