Inside in Messed up thing i call my life

How to explain this, when outside is calm and steady but inside you’re jut screaming in agony and crying and so confused and frustrated? Just tired of it all already, just want this whole thing to end or else I’m afraid I’ll just end myself. I am told that I either need a friend or a partner? It sounds so silly to be fair, most of the time I just want to be alone, wallow in my sorrow alone or a hug, or talk to someone let it all out, I just don’t know anymore, I don’t know myself anymore, I’m lost.