It seems that life happens at warp speed while it inches along.
Last June, K’s daughter saw a message from me that he had to explain. At which time, he says to me that “it makes him realize just exactly what he’s jeopardizing”. So he pulls away for a while.
My birthday was the end of July, he sends me a bouquet of flowers for my birthday. All I could do was cry. J, knowing that I need a minute, sends me to the store so I could get out of the office. He only shows his human side as a means to an end. I know that now.
A week later we (the whole office) were in the Bahamas. Long story short, that was the beginning of “J & I”. We tootled on for a while. I really was not interested in having a relationship with him. I was still not over K, and J knew it. But trudge forward, we did anyway. It wasn’t all bad. We had a few good, fun days. But the majority of the time that we were “together” it was quite tumultuous. He expected me not to see or talk to K at all. But it was okay, for him to go home to his wife…whenever she was home… and I was just supposed to sit and wait quietly by. Yeah, that’s not the way it worked out.
We’d go in 6 week cycles it seemed like. I don’t know if that was a hormonal thing on my part or his, lol, but we seemed to go in these ridiculous 6 week cycles, of getting along, fighting then breaking up, only to start it all over again. Two days before Valentine’s J & I “broke up” again. I think he thrived on the drama of it all. But I was absolutely spent from it. I was so over the bullshit with him. I still hadn’t stopped talking to K. We didn’t talk as much as we used to, but we were still connected to eachother. I wanted…needed…more that anything to see him soon.
Valentines Day. I ended up spending it alone, which kind of sucked. But it wasn’t all bad. I went to see Tony Bennett by myself, for Valentine’s Day. It was the ultimate singles awareness day night!
March…FUCKING COVID HIT!!
J’s wife ended up out of state with their daughter when the quarantining all started. So he and I began to talk and text all the time. I would say over the course of the 5 months that she was gone, we’d spent 1000’s of hours on the phone in one capacity of another. He still pushed for us to have a “relationship”. I knew better than to fall for that shit. I told him one afternoon exactly how I knew things would end up. He told me I couldn’t predict the future and why couldn’t I just let things play out like they would. Because I’m not entirely a gullible dumbass, that’s why.
K & I still talked, not always a lot but just enough to stay connected. He surprised me in June with a trip to Atlanta. It wasn’t entirely just for me, but to see his parents and meet with customers. I’m not really sure why he was coming up here. The customer he was seeing was the one that he always saw when he was with his previous company. With the world as it was, I couldn’t image that whatever they had to discuss couldn’t have been done with a zoom call. But I didn’t push. He was going to be in Atlanta, and I was one of the reasons he was going to be here. I secretly hoped it was because being at home cooped up with his wife all the time, he’d gotten sick of her and he just needed to get away from her.
I was having a really hard time through the Covid isolation. There were days when I just needed someone to be here, so I wasn’t always so alone. One afternoon when I got home from work, it was more than I could take. I knew that if I didn’t end things with K, then I would never allow anyone else into my life. I needed someone in my life. I wasn’t upset with him, it was quite the contrary. I just didn’t want to take the chance of something really bad happening between us and I would not love him anymore. He didn’t understand why it came so out of the blue. I tried to say goodbye again (insert eye roll) of course that lasted all of about three days....all he had to say was, “I’m going to be in Atlanta in a few weeks, I’d love to see you” My reply…”Stay with me”. I don’t know who I was most angry with, him or me. He knew that I could not tell him no when he mentioned his trip. I was so week, that I actually invited him to stay with me.
His plans were kind of up in the air, so it was almost last minute when he was finally able to get up here.
We had an absolutely perfect night together. We laughed more that night than we ever had. I was much more comfortable with him, than I had been for some reason. I don’t know why I can’t relax with him. I’m always so nervous when he’s here. That night was something different though. The next morning we were standing in the kitchen talking, I was standing behind him with my arms around him. I told him, “Repeat after me”, Okay, what’s that…”Happy Early Birthday”. He obliged then grabbed his phone to check his calendar. He was afraid he’d almost missed it. I knew he hadn’t remembered but I didn’t want him to feel bad about it. And selfishly I just wanted to hear him say the words, even if I was the one who’d asked him to say them.
I had to leave him here that morning. He had some work to do before his flight. We messaged back and forth some. Then he was on his flight home.
I was a little melancholy as I always am after he leaves. When I got home that afternoon, he had left me a hand written message. Signed with his initials, which is apparently how he signs most things of a personal nature. Then added “Happy Early B’day” with a heart. That little hand drawn crooked heart was the sweetest things he’s ever done for me. I just melted.
Fast forward a few weeks later. He messages me on a Friday afternoon telling me that he’s gone camping and that he may not have good service.
He has a social life at home. Remember. I was secretly hoping it was something that his daughter had put together for them. Some how, I knew it wasn’t. I didn’t reply and was quiet all weekend.
A few days later, my suspicions were validated. She posted pictures of their intimate weekend for two, that theyd spent in the mountains of Alabama. Most of the pictures were mundane. With the exception of one. She’s nestled up behind him like I was that morning in my kitchen. Smile on both their faces.
My response was immediate. I completely by passed Messenger and sent a text straight to him. “NEVER, NEVER, NEVER FUCKING CONTACT ME EVER AGAIN”. I wanted her to see it. I didn’t care if she found out! He should have been very scared that morning. That was the closest I have ever been to doing something that I couldn’t take back. sigh
I wanted to tell him I hated him. I did, completely, in that moment.
And the cycle continues. All the sweet things he says and does, seemed invalid. They all had a greater purpose than just to make me happy. They were all to soften the blow of what he knew was coming. Self serving at it’s best.
Many days of dancing around the topic, him apologizing for every heinous thing that I’d accused him of. Many LONG messages later…
He was supposed to be here with me again on Sept 16th. He had been up here all that week, on boarding for a new position that he’d just taken. …Oh, that’s another thing. The new job, will have him in Atlanta more now. Not like before I don’t think, where it was once a month, but certainly (I hope) more than once every 6 months. Sally, the hurricane, was headed straight for his house that day. I was hoping beyond hope that he hadn’t gotten a message from home that he needed to come home. He had though, and messaged a couple of hours before he was supposed to be at my house that he was driving home. it turned into another night of bourbon & sleeping pills (I haven’t had another night like that since then). He called, we talked some on his drive home, but the signal was bad and the call kept getting dropped. I finally just stopped answering his call
He messaged an hour later that he couldn’t get home and had to stop in Montgomery. And in his words, “The unfortunate part was that we could have spent the night together”. I’m not a complete selfish, heartless bitch. Yeah, I’d have loved for him to stay with me. But honestly, if something would have happened to his house or her…he never would have ever forgiven me or himself, if he’d have been here. I told him “You did the right thing trying to get home, Baby”.
He was here a few weeks later. I wasn’t feeling my best. My stomach had been upset and I honestly didn’t feel like company. Which in the 3 1/2 years that we’ve been seeing each other, that is the only time that I legitimately tried to get out of see him. He would have nothing of it. though.
It was not our best night together. When I say that I didn’t feel well, I really felt like shit. I had made dinner which was ready long before he was ready to eat. So it was cold, not too great by the time we ate, which didn’t help my stomach at all.
I left him here that morning again, like I had before. It was weird leaving him, especially after the not so stellar night that we’d had. But oh well, he’s had bad nights here with me, so I guess I was allowed a bad night too.
I got home that afternoon, half way hoping that he’d left another note behind. He had not.
We’ve seen each other again since all this, but I’m going to write about it in my next entry.
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