This is gonna be one of these "I feel pitiful" entries so move along if you wish
..tired of waiting. I often said before I arrived that I was tired of living my life in some kind of holding pattern. Just waiting... always waiting until we could be together and things would be wonderful.
Well while things are wonderful (for the most part) I'm still here waiting. Waiting until I can get out there in the world again. Waiting until I can either start work or school. Waiting until I meet new friends. Waiting until I have transportation (besides my feet). Waiting until I have my own money in the bank.
At the moment I feel like I'm on house arrest. To walk to anything is at least a 3 mile (4.8km) round trip not including the walking that would be done shopping/browsing/visiting. Sure it's great to live 1.5 miles from the beach.. but when your only means to get there is your feet - well you're tired before you even set out. Even bus transportation is ridicules here. The bus - which is a 20 min walk to get to the stop - runs every day once per hour. A perpetual Sunday/holiday schedule on the quarter hour.
I have zero money. I don't even have a banking card or prepaid visa. So even if I did walk somewhere I can't do anything once I get there but look. Sure I guess I could ask for money but you know what, I shouldn't have to ask for an "allowance". Which was exactly my point when he said he wants us to only have a joint bank account. Hells no. I will have my own account this way if I want a latte from Starbucks I don't have to call him up for permission to do so. I think living that way is crazy stupid. He was home sick yesterday so I took the car and went to get a stock pile of yarn so I would have something to do during the day. I even found coupons to use and got exactly what I went for (the cheapest out there too). When I got back I told him I spent 35.00 on yarn. Cheapest I have ever spent on yarn for socks I must say. He joked and said ok well you just spent your allowance. I told him that the statement he just said wasn't funny. He didn't get why I got all bent. Men.
I'm getting used to being alone all the time. He goes to work.. comes home and is tired (I totally get that!) and naps in his recliner while I make sure supper is on the table for 6. After supper he just relaxes by the tv or at his computer. Really a typical day for a working person. So I go for walks to the beach and back 3 times a week - alone. I spend my day by myself in my house. I swear I have the cleanest house on the planet right now. I don't like being alone all the time, however I really don't have any avenue's to meet people either. School is out for me until at least January. So is working. There are no knitting groups around....blah.
I miss working 60 hours a week and doing night school. I miss being so busy I collapsed at night time. I miss having a place to go to every day - feeling like I've accomplished something. I miss my team and all my friends. I miss not crying everyday because I'm so lonely. I used to cry once in a while because I missed being with him. Now I cry nearly everyday because I miss my life. I've just replaced the 'thing' I'm missing - it sucks so much to feel this icky and still have to smile when he gets home and make like everything is great. Is this how everyone who moves to be with someone feels?!
If feeling sorry for one self isn't bad enough this happens -
Saturday night - His phone rang at 1230am. He talked for about 15 min quietly - he never talks quietly on the phone. That made me get out of bed to see what was up. Was it one of the kids? Was it his mom sick? I heard him say 'Ok babygirl. ni ni' Excuse me? I was up till 4am... I was angry, hurt, confused??? The phone rang again a bit after 1am. A chucked and and ok from him. Odd. I checked his phone Sunday afternoon. I got the number. A Georgia number. He used to know someone in Georgia once but he's not said anything of her in years. Through searching I found a name and an address - its a business address but an address. Duluth GA. I would let this go as me just hearing things, it was 1230am and I was just woken up out of a dead sleep, however when I asked him if his phone rang in the middle of the night first he said it was an 800 number. I told him that was odd because no 800 numbers call in the middle of the night. Maybe it was an overseas call center and they got their time zones mixed up he said. Ok. that is plausible. I told him that I thought I heard him talking is all. He then outright lied to me telling me it was his friend calling because skype crashed. "Oh I hate when skype crashes."
If you have nothing to hide... then why do you lie. Why do you lie to me?! We JUST got married. You talk everyday all excited over the celebration we're planning for the family in June. I gave up EVERYTHING to be here - everything. My $18.00/h job, my kids, my friends, my car, my freedom to do anything I wanted whenever I wanted, I'm using all my school money to maintain bills over there. And I get lies. For now I'm waiting - I'm watching.
When he told me his good friend got caught having a fling on the side. His friend smiled all guilty like and said "Yeah I got caught." I looked at him right in the face and told him to never do that to me. Never. I am a one person gal and I don't share. I never will. It's me or whoever you think the grass is greener with. Period.
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