Short Lived Reprieve in Dreams

We were at her house. In the same city as me, just a nicer area, with a nice view of the water. Her family and friends were there as well as some of my friends, mostly friends from Texas, but a few of my online friends as well. We’d had a party, and it was starting to wind down for the evening. There were still lots of smiles, and laughs, and everyone telling us how they enjoyed the party, and us telling them we were glad they came and thanking them. She spoke to my friends as if she’d known them forever, and I spoke to - and felt like - I’d known her friends and family for ages. Hugs and handshakes were given, goodbyes were said, and then it was just she and I.
Alyssa and I were picking up and putting up, talking about how everything had gone. She said how happy she was to finally meet the friends that I have adopted as family, she commented on how funny couple of my friends are, then caught me off guard.
A: “It was really great to meet (BL). She’s super sweet. I see how you’ve been hung up on her so long.”
Me: (clueless) “Wait, she was here??”
A: “Yeah, she didn’t stay very long. She said the flight up left her feeling weird, so she went back to her hotel.”
Me: “Well shit. I guess I’ll catch up with her another time. You shoulda grabbed me while she was here.”
We went on talking while we cleaned up in the kitchen, then it jumped to us on the couch, in front of the fireplace, snuggled up under a blanket, with some lite jazz that I somewhat recognized playing in the background. We talked on about the party and our guests, then talked about us. She snuggled up a little closer and of course, the kissing commenced.
In between, there were lots of “I love you”s, and the kind of emotional talk that I’ve not had in.... I’m not sure how long, to be honest. But it was nice to be close to her, even though I knew I’d spent the night and woke up to her that morning.

I really, REALLY thought that I was done being haunted by her. I’d not seen her doppelganger, or thought I’d seen her, or heard her voice, or anything like that in the longest time. I’d not thought about her in forever. I was over it. Finally. No more hauntings from these girls I know so well but have never met. I thought it was done. I thought my subconscious was FINALLY going to leave me the hell alone. But no. Add to this dagger in the heart that BL, even though I never saw or heard her, was involved in this one too. That just made it so much better.

Today has just sucked from the start. I’ve been able, once again, to fake smiles and play along, but it just killed me in inside. That hope I had, or whatever, about being proven wrong about the impossible, has all been washed away. I thought I was done waking up gutted by a dream. I guess not. And now, The Ginger has dragged BL into it. Ya know… That’s just too much.

I’ve learned, when things go sideways, don’t ever, under any circumstances, ask what’s next. You’ll not like the answer. The next one is probably me getting married to Alyssa, Jessica, or BL, and the other two being there.... I dunno. My subconscious has gone too far. There’s nothing I can do about it though. I have no control over my dreams. Yes, I’ve tried the focused dreaming stuff, or whatever the hell it’s called, but it doesn’t work for me. The worst part of these dreams - and if it’s BL, Alyssa, or Jessica, it NEVER fails - is just how lucid I am in them, and how damned realistic they are. It’s like it’s not a dream, but a recent memory. It’s not half-ass, it’s all there. The sights, the sounds, the smells, the touch, the taste of food, the inner monologue, the memories of that life, it’s all there, and it makes the whole thing seem like it’s real. It’s enough to never let me for a moment believe that it’s a dream, or that any part of what I’m experiencing is not possible. That’s why these fuck me up so badly.

I don’t want to sleep tonight, because I have a bad feeling about what my subconscious is going to play, but I don’t have a choice. I have an install tomorrow, and I need the sleep. I hope I’m wrong. I hope I get left alone tonight. Actually, I hope this brunette girl I’ve seen in the neighborhood randomly rings the gate bell and says she’s looking for a snuggle buddy (and yes, I do mean only that), but that’s not even kind of about to happen. I won’t call it impossible since I’ve been proven wrong on saying that, but I will call it incredibly unlikely. But I’ll just hope my subconscious just leaves me the hell alone tonight. Don’t show me anything while I sleep.

This is not my fucking life.

Last updated November 12, 2020