Again, I've been dying to go on OD, over the last few days. I just want to write somewhere that feels safe. I think I'm just going to have to suck it up and start writing here. I need to write cos my brain hurts too much keeping it all in. So much has been going on lately that I'm not coping with any of it. I'm trying to deal with different feelings about different people and different things, I've been missing people I shouldn't miss and omg the dreams I've been having.. I wouldn't even know where to start.
So from today I want to write every day for a week and see how it goes.. It doesn't take long to write an entry and it might sort my head out a bit. I just hope people don't use the things I write here against me.
So feelings.... I have been trying my hardest to forget the feelings I have for somebody special. I wont name names just in case cos it's just a bad idea all round. There are so many reasons it wouldn't work! I thought that maybe he liked me back, but now I don't know. He seemed to be flirting with me and wanted to spend time with me a lot, but he seems to have lost interest and I'm assuming it's because he likes somebody else and that he is also missing somebody he shouldn't. I just wish it would be one or the other, not flirting one day, then disinterested the next.
I figured I needed a distraction from thinking about him so I joined a dating app over here just to have a look around. A very attractive red head, who we shall name Cutie since that's what he calls me, added me straight away and we haven't stopped talking since. He is super nice and funny and sweet and texts me a lot every day, even when he is supposed to be working. I think we are going to chat on the phone tonight for the first time, so I'm currently super nervous. He wants to meet up with me, but after everything that's happened over the last few years, it's left me with zero confidence when meeting new people. I'm not sure if we will or what we will do if we catch up, but some holiday fun would be nice I guess.
I was texting someone else too, he was our party bus driver for Sarah's hens night. I ended up flirting with him all night and he gave me his number and told me to go home with him at the end of the night, I declined so he kissed me instead. It was the first kiss I've had since C last February.. Year and a half people!!!! So it was nice for someone to show interest. He has text me a few times, wanting to catch up and I'm glad I didn't go through with it... Turns out he is engaged with two kids, despite telling me he was single when he gave me his number. Why is it, that the douchebags show interest in me?
I've also been talking to S lately. He is my ex's cousin and there's been some sort of sexual tension between us for years. We had a big fall out when I was seeing C last year cos he got drunk one night and sent me certain photos of himself, after I'd asked him not too. At the time it was inappropriate. We had a massive chat the other day about that and we want to try things out when I get home. I'm single, he's single, there's something there, so why not?! We do need to be super careful about it though. If it happens we need to make sure it happens for the right reasons and in the right way. If anything bad was to happen between us, we would both be devastated. I couldn't lose him from my life. Normally people in that situation leave it be and stay friends, but we think that we could work on some level, that it would never go bad. Him and I are very similar in what we want from someone else and we are both the type of people to talk things through before they went bad. I guess we'll just have to see what happens.
Over the last few weeks, I've been trying to figure out who I really am and who I want to be, and a big part of that is who I'm into. I've never really hidden the fact that I think girls are attractive, I've been kissing girls for years, but recently I've been wondering if there's more to it than "i kissed a girl and i liked it." Besides one extremely drunken night of fun with an ex and a friend, I've never done more than kiss a girl. I'm starting to think that maybe I wouldn't mind trying it. I definitely don't think that it would be easy the first time nor would I have any clue what I'm doing, but I guess it could be fun and interesting. I think the idea of a relationship with a girl is intriguing. I feel like it would be something on a whole other level compared to a relationship with a guy, something deeper even. Maybe I'm just full of shit and have seen too many dramatised tv lesbian relationships but who knows until you try it right. I know for a fact that certain family members would disapprove and even go to the point of disowning me, but it just makes me want to try it more. I do not care for closed minded, disgusting mouthed people, who believe it's the Bible's way or nothing. Especially in this day and age when differences like sexuality should be celebrated not made taboo or seen as wrong. It's fucking 2014 people, open your fucking eyes and see the diversity! And on a side note, I hate to tell them this, but the Bible is a piece of shit and this stuff has been happening since the beginning of time! Even if God was real, he's obviously put different people on this planet for a fucking reason, dickheads.. Sorry, I get carried away. Anyway, until anything happens, I refuse to label myself. I probably wont anyway, cos labels are what ruin society. For now I'm "intrigued."
Right rant over for today.. I'd appreciate it if certain real life friends left what was written here, here for now since I haven't really talked about this to anyone at all.. but if the spies are about then I guess I'm kind of screwed for that anyway. We'll see. Lovelove xx
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