2020 is one of those years where I wake up every day wondering what else could possible happen.
I’m sure everyone has been through a lot this year. Everyone has a story. Everyone has a struggle. I’m no different than most parents. I struggled to make the “right” choice for my child. I had to weigh the pros and cons. I had to consider my wants, my needs, reality. But most importantly, I had to consider the needs of my up and coming 4th grader for the September school year. Emily struggled from March to June with virtual learning. I’m sure most kids did in a lot of ways.
But Emily has factors that make virtual learning very difficult for her and for anyone teaching her. She has Combined Type ADHD, she is autistic (HF), she has anxiety and Sensory Processing Disorder. All of those things make it hard because I am not a trained teacher. Nor is my Mother-in-Law. Emily takes everything literally. So every single instruction would be analyzed. She would second guess every instruction and have anxiety about if it was being done correctly. There were many emails back and forth to her teacher because Emily wouldn’t relax until she gained confirmation that what she was doing was on the right path. My mother-in-law was an angel. A 71 year old woman teaching 3rd grade using Google classroom. This is a woman who barely understands text messaging or emails. But Emily survived. She even made high honor roll. But this wasn’t easy. The days were filled with meltdowns, anxiety attacks, screaming, emails and chaos. But she made it through. But like most parents, I was anxiously awaiting Emily’s return to school.
Unfortunately (or fortunately) depending on how you look at it, the return to school did not happen the way I would have preferred. Emily returned to school on a Hybrid schedule. She goes in at 8:30am for her ELA, Science/Social Studies and Math. Then comes home at 11:00am for lunch and relaxing until she has to resume Virtual Schooling for her special subjects (Spanish, gym, computers, art etc). She seems to be adjusting well to only having to worry about a few subjects virtually. But it’s not an ideal situation for a kid with anxiety, a lot of questions and a very difficult time focusing.
It’s hard for Emily to function like this. She misses normalcy. But this is the new normal. But she struggles socially anyway so maybe she is doing better than most. She doesn’t express an interest in missing friends or classmates. She has fiends but she talks via FaceTime and plays on Nintendo Switch and Roblox. She always socialized better that way anyway.
I’m the one struggling more right now. Working from home since March is starting to get to me. I do not miss my hour + long commute at ALL. But I miss the routine of going to work. I miss my coworkers. I miss having a desk that isn’t a foot away from my bed. I miss not working in the same room as my husband who is also working from home. I miss not having files all over my bedroom. And I feel guilty that I’m not available to help my child with school. Or pick her up. She’s succeeding this year so far but it’s no thanks to me.
People think working from home means you are sitting around and have all this free time. No. I work harder at home. I have to be working at all times. I have to be available. So a close family friend picks up Emily at 11 and brings her home. She entertains herself until 12. I am able to give her lunch on my lunch at 12:00. Then at 12:30 I’m back to work. I have an amazing best friend who comes over after she gets out of work at noon to sit with Emily for her virtual session. Emily can’t be left alone or the work would not get done. I wouldn’t be able to get through this without my village. And while I appreciate them, I feel guilt that I am not doing enough for her. I feel like I work too much especially since I go into the office two days a week from 7am-7pm.
Life is hectic. It’s crazy busy. Work, school, soccer practice, soccer games, Girl Scouts, therapy for Emily twice a week, remembering to eat healthy, grocery shop, stick to a routine, fit in time together as a family, fit in keeping in touch with friends and family, do a good job at work, remember to take cat to the vet, survive. I’m mentally, physically and emotionally drained. I feel like a chicken with its head cut off. I don’t know whether I’m coming or going most days. I always feel like sleeping. But I’m up all night with insomnia. I just feel like I’m not doing enough but yet I’m doing too much. I’m exhausted.
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