I was reading an article about determining whether or not to stay in a relationship. The full article is here, but what it comes down to is this part at the end and the ultimate test question, and I know a lot of people who would probably fail...
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While it’s nearly impossible to be objective about love—after all, we’re dealing with feelings here—it’s crucial to be aware of the factors that influence our decisions. It’s also helpful to have a simple, yes or no, blue or red litmus test (as opposed to a 140-question sports quiz) we can use to determine whether our relationship is destined for long-term happiness or headed for heartbreak. Here are 10 tests that don’t work, and one that does.
- He always tells me he loves me. (Saying it doesn’t make it so.)
- She says she accepts me exactly the way I am. (She may actually want some changes—we all do.)
- We always make up in the bedroom. (Sex doesn’t engender intimacy; intimacy engenders sex.)
- We never fight. (All couples have disagreements.)
- He’s nice to my parents. (It could be an act.)
- She’s good to my kids. (It could be an act.)
- We never run out of things to talk about. (You may not be communicating about the important stuff.)
- He/she always puts my needs first. (No one is a saint; there may be resentment building.)
- We like all the same things—books, movies, foods, activities, places to go. (Life will get boring if neither one of you ever pursues an independent interest or takes the other out of their comfort zone.)
- He/she says we’re soulmates and I’m the one. (If this is true, it never needs convincing.)
Here is the one test that does work.
How does your partner treat you when you’re wrong?
When it turns out you’re mistaken or had the wrong idea about something, does your partner jump on you, go for the jugular, pound the point home, spike the ball in the end zone, gloat in victory, take joy in your defeat, self-congratulate on superior intellect, and act smug about being right?
Or does your partner act respectfully towards you, give your points fair consideration, try to help you see where your judgment might be inaccurate or flawed, show forgiveness and understanding, treat your discussion as a learning experience instead of a conquest, and employ communication skills not to weaken you but to strengthen the relationship?
To me, this is the ultimate test. Because inevitably, we will all be wrong. And when we are, we do not want to be made to feel small, stupid, ignorant, and worthless. We don’t want to feel that our standing has been diminished by “losing.” We don’t want to feel squashed or stomped on.
We simply want to be treated fairly and with … respect.
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