My mind is all over the place at the moment. I'm having random ups and downs. I feel elated about the smallest of things which only last about 5 minutes, then back to negative and confused thoughts for the next half a day.
I'm currently unemployed which means more time with O. Some days I love this. I had to go back to work full time when she was only 5 months old, so in a way, this is like an extended maternity leave. Someone made comment the other day about me being a "Stay At Home Mother" and I hated it. SAHM's do this by choice, this wasn't my choice. O sees me every day now and has become extremely clingy, much to my distaste. Even with C, when he comes home from work and wants a hug, she wraps herself around my legs and screams. I hate it.
I'm unemployed. I'm not working. And part of me years ago may have liked this, having freedom to do what I want, go where I want. It's not like that though. I have to entertain a stubborn, easily bored, independent & very active (walking) 14 month old. I have no money, can't go where I want, buy what I want. I hate being stuck in the house, and struggling to find things to do with O other than visiting my mother all the time.
The fucked up thing, is I think if I did go back to work full time I'd hate that too. I'd then probably (stupidly) "miss" being off work & being around O and wish I hadn't spent time moping about it. My opinions and feelings just swing radically and it's a mind fuck. I think ideally a balance of part time work and rest of time with O would be better. I have never been shy about admitting I'm not a maternal sort of person & even now wonder how I've got this far.
Me & C have been talking about future 'additions' to our family. It's a subject that also brings out this strange split personality. Some days I wake up and feel like seriously saying to C "I really want another baby & don't want to wait" and then five minutes later O will start being a typical whirlwind 1yr old & I think "how would I ever cope?". I fear I'm barely coping with one child. I think the excitement of having another comes from my love of being pregnant & the thrill of the labour. Though I didn't have a clue what I was doing with a newborn when I had O, I know I'd find it all easier and more relaxing 2nd time round and think I would appreciate the second child during the newborn stage. But ... I don't think I'd feel calm with having a toddler to run around after at the same time.
Millions of people around the world have 2+ kids and cope just fine. I just don't know if I would.
Often I keep thinking about how life used to be, pre-child, and how I loved that freedom. I still often miss that. I miss time with just me & C.
Am I the only mother of a 14 month old that feels like this?
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