… because I have been smoking non stop. Because I’ve binge watched seven seasons of Mad Men. And I am on my third Ayn Rand book (page 1012 of Atlas Shrugged). And if you’re a fan of either you will know that there is a lot of smoking involved in them. Look at me making some excuses again for bad habits.
Lately I have been thinking about my ex. Well. Not just recently I admit. It is usually most times when I’m craving for some decent, intellectual conversation, which is a lot more often than I care to admit. Sometimes it’s just there… an itching, crawling, annoying feeling that somehow I have fucked up my whole future because I let him go. But if I knew better, I think this is just me being bored in my now 19-month-old ongoing relationship with someone who is the polar opposite of the ex. I’ve never been with someone this long… but who am I to complain? Isn’t this what those poor lonely single souls out there are longing for?
Meh. Why do we always long for what we can’t have? Or worse, what we’ve already had and discarded?
These fucking what-ifs are driving me insane.
I’ll tell you one thing that is eating me alive. Bending, stooping, debasing myself. How pathetic, right? When I am friendless and count upon my boyfriend as my only company and how unfortunate it is that he isn’t exactly bright. Am I so arrogant and shallow? Just… I keep thinking. How empty my future would be if it is ever to look like how things presently are.
I suppose I’m just scared to be alone again. And so exhausted just trying to imagine the whole ordeal of finding somebody else and going through that murky process again, knowing excitement only ever lasts during the first few months. How I’ll get bored again anyway.
I think I will write about my past relationships soon. Usually when I think about one, I would go to the first and they all appear in my mind like a series of flash cards, in order, and I would mull over what was good in each one and what went horrifically wrong.
Until then, then.
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