I got no comments on my last entry so figured I better start spicing things up : )
WARNING: THIS ENTRY MAY CONTAIN SEXUAL CONTENT. IF THAT KIND OF ENTRY OFFENDS YOU, OR IF THE THOUGHT OF A FAT PERSON HAVING SEX GROSSES YOU OUT, YOU SHOULD LEAVE NOW.
So yeah, let's talk about sex. I mentioned in my last entry that I held on to my virginity until the summer after graduating from high school. This had nothing to do with my Catholic upbringing, morals or values, and everything to do with fear.
The fear of pain but mostly the thought of being naked in front of a man (or anyone for that matter), terrified me. I could not imagine the idea of a man seeing my naked body. I was probably the only virgin amongst my friends. I never lied about it but I think everyone assumed I'd had sex and I said nothing to change their opinions.
My first sexual experience was with a guy named Larry. Handsome with dark hair and beautiful blue eyes, he oozed charm and sex appeal. He worked at a convenience store where I went to buy my cigarettes. He flirted with me endlessly and I was beyond flattered and intrigued. He was six years older than me, divorced and a big party boy.
We started dating but he was living with family and I was still at home so there wasn't much opportunity for alone time. That was fine with me! I loved kissing and fooling around but I was trying to delay the inevitable as long as possible.
A few months later we both got apartments. It was time to do the deed lol. It happened at his place and I think what surprised me most was how little it hurt. Could have been because he was not very big. Whatever the reason, I was grateful for that part. I did a good job keeping myself covered and grabbed his robe when I got up to go to the bathroom. I remember staring at myself in his bathroom mirror, expecting to look different since I had now been deflowered lol.
Keep in mind, at this point I was only about 15 or 20 lbs. overweight. The good news was, I loved sex. Turns out I have a very high sex drive and was always ready. And as long as the light were out, I could be totally uninhibited and have a great time.
Throughout the years I had 3 serious boyfriends and several not too serious ones in between. I mentioned before that I loved to flirt. I had great jobs in my late teens and twenties. Jobs that were perfect for meeting guys.
My longest relationship was with Bob, who was to become the father of my child. We never married. We had great sex and lots of it for several years. I still never wanted sex in the daytime or with the lights on, but I was comfortable enough with him to let him glimpse me naked. We used candles a lot and I didn't feel the need to cover if I got up to use the bathroom.
By the time I had my daughter, I was almost 100 lbs. overweight. Like I said before, I tend to eat when I'm happy in a relationship. Bob was a big eater too. And we ate out a lot.
A couple years after that, the sex started falling off. I totally equate sex with love when I'm in a relationship, so I felt not only that he wasn't attracted to me but also that he didn't love me anymore. We usually had sex in different positions and there was a lot of oral sex on both our parts. We still sometimes had sex, either missionary or doggie style, I still gave him blowjobs which he clearly enjoyed, but he completely stopped going down on me. When I finally got the courage to ask him about it, he told me it had gotten too hard because my stomach got in the way. OMG! I can't even begin to tell you how embarrassed and devastated I was. I know he felt bad about it and never would have said anything if I hadn't asked.
We eventually broke up and he became a person I don't even recognize. He has almost completely cut his daughter out of his life with no explanation. But that's a whole 'nother story and I will tell it one day.
I lost quite a bit of weight after we broke up. I actually hooked back up with Larry, who was going through his second divorce. This was almost 20 years after our first relationship together. Larry and I had okay sex but he was a lazy lover. If it was up to him, and most times it was, sex would consist of nothing but him laying there getting blowjobs. Our second go round deserves its own entry, maybe 2. It involved, sex, drugs, alcohol, jail, and family feuds to name a few things.
My last serious boyfriend was Jim. This was 14 years ago. Jim fucked my head up pretty good. He totally destroyed my trust and caused me a lot of damage.
He appeared like a knight in shining armor, always giving me gifts and flowers, showering me with affection and attention. He got to know all my friends and family and they all loved him too. He had a great job, a home, didn't do drugs or drink. The bad news was, he had erectile dysfunction. He could still get it up sometimes and he loved having sex but he could rarely cum. He still managed to make me feel sexy and desirable and loved making me feel good. I felt like I was in the healthiest relationship of my life. We were together 14 months before I found he was a liar and a cheater. He cheated on me several times and had been carrying on an affair with a woman 20 years older than me for months. I was crushed. My heart was broken and I felt like a fool. Everyone was shocked. It took me years, therapy and antidepressants to move on from him. You wouldn't believe the games he played with me, especially when I was trying to get on with my life. Last I heard, he married the old woman and moved out west to live with his mother. Good riddance!
The last time I had sex was 9 years ago. I went through a phase of chatting withguys on the internet and actually meeting a few of them in person. I was almost the size I am now and I made sure anyone I planned on meeting knew this. I didn't want anyone being shocked at my size and me feeling anymore embarrassed and awkward than usual.
So what is sex like at 400 lbs.? Well for starters, it's limited. Doggy style is really the only comfortable position and the best position for penetration. The missionary position is just not feasible with a stomach as big as mine, and woman on top is unthinkable!
It's still possible for sex to be physically pleasurable at my size, but I need more. I need to feel sexy, I need to feel desirable, I want that connection when you're looking into someone's eyes as you make love. I could never feel any of those things at this size.
I'm a very loving person. I love to show and receive affection. I'm touchy feely, huggy with my friends and family. I'm blessed to have my beautiful grandchildren. Their hugs and kisses are all I need. Of course I sometimes fantasize about having another romantic relationship. Losing a lot of weight and meeting someone. All those first time flutters and feelings are something I likely will never get to experience again and I'm okay with that. Truly. I have lots of lovely memories and lots of love from wonderful friends and family.
Loading comments...