I woke up today with the goal of fasting. I told myself "(Insert my name here) you're fasting today. You will succeed. If you don't you'll never lose the weight." It went well for about 3 hours but then I went out to lunch with a friend, which I had in my mind that I was only going to be having a cup of tea and using the excuse "oh, I've already eaten" but of course, I ate. Using the word 'ate' makes it seem like I had a 'normal' (what even is normal???) size of food, but it really wasn't. It was too big, or at least to big for my mind. The whole time I just sat at the table thinking to myself how much of a failure I was, how much I didn't deserve to be eating, wondering to myself how much i'm going to gain from today. Even at this moment, i'm sitting at my desk and I feel like my belly is going over my pants. My pants have been getting tighter and that's just even more of a reason to hate myself. I don't know how it feels to eat a meal and not hate myself. I don't know what it feels like to eat something and be satisfied for a long period of time. What does it feel like?
I wish I could say that i'm a happy person, but that would be a lie. To my friends and family i'm very happy, I have no worries, but that's not the real me. The real me hates herself. The real me thinks about calories and diets and weight loss and getting grades every second of the day. It consumes me and I don't know anything anymore.
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