today i went food shopping with my sister and trisha to stock up on things because of the shut down. this corona thing is getting kinda scary now. she told me in the car that we have to be really eat the bare minimum so that food can last us longer. i didn’t really care because i haven’t had much of an appetite for a while now anyway. i constantly feel sick and on the verge of tears all day.
tonight i am missing my mom again. i keep smelling her perfume and it makes it so much harder. i just want to be with her again. i truly hate my life so much.
i just picked my room up a bit but it still feels like such a mess. i thought a clean space = a clean mind but tonight it’s not the case. now i’m just too exhausted to cry. i feel so alone. i can’t even go to the facility because of the corona virus. i’m so angry and upset. every time there is a glimmer of hope, something smothers it. every step forward is a flight of stairs i fall back down. things will not get better.
part of me wants to work so hard so that i can get out of my sisters house but the other part of me, the bigger part of me just wants to give up all together. i don’t know what to do. i never know what to do lately. i constantly feel so sick to my stomach but it’s no health issue. it’s like i am causing the sickness myself. i don’t know how else to explain this feeling. but it’s there all day every day.
i just want things to get better.
i already put aubree and addie in their beds. i don’t know where my sister and trisha are right now but what they do usually doesn’t concern me, however i feel sick tonight and i really didn’t wanna watch them for so long. i’m so sick of her saying that she’s running somewhere real quick and then is gone for hours. i’m so sick of constantly having to drop everything i do for her. i’m so tired of feeling controlled by everyone. i want to move out so bad but i need my birth certificate and social security card. without those i’m basically no one in the world.
there’s this one song that has been playing in my head all day. it has a sad beat to it so it’s like everything feels even worse with this song overplaying my thoughts and vision. this is not some dumb movie. can it just stop playing in my head?
i still can’t cry yet. i keep getting on the verge but then it just doesn’t break past that wall. i don’t want to cry but i don’t like this feeling of almost crying either. it’s like everything that could be bad is just horrible. and anything good gets demolished or back fires in some way. is this what life is forever?
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