I meant to come here and update properly yesterday but I didn't get round to it.
Everything seems really hard lately and although I know that I have a lot to be thankful for it seems to be easier to dwell on the negative things. I always thought that I was an optimist but I don't think I can say that I am anymore.
The main things getting me down are my weight and my debt. I am still at the heaviest weight I've ever been and I'm still struggling to do anything about that. I have started exercising more and when I actually do it, I love it and it makes me really happy but it's hard to actually talk myself into doing it in the first place and if the slightest excuse is offered to me to back out I'll take it. I'm supposed to be completing a 5k run on the 30th of March and I still can't run more than a couple of minutes at a time. I don't have many clothes that fit me and I don't really know how to dress myself at this size and shape. I'm meant to be going out for Beth's birthday next week and I don't have anything to wear, everything that fits me is more casual but I can't afford to buy myself anything new. I have so many smaller clothes in storage boxes, I should probably sell those and buy some that actually fit me but that would be like accepting that I'll always be this size and I really don't want to be. Paul's best friend's wedding is less than a month away now and I really don't want to look like this then. I want to be able to enjoy myself and not be worrying about what everyone thinks of me. Even if I was super healthy between now and then it probably wouldn't make too much of a difference but I know I would feel better about myself if I knew I was doing something. But I can't seem to stop eating crap.
Also we just got our bonuses at work. If the company hits it's targets we're supposed to get 10% of our salary as a bonus which I was hoping for as it would have paid off a massive chunk of my debt and I was hoping to be able to use some of it to go on a cheap holiday with Paul. But the company didn't hit it's targets. We weren't supposed to get any bonus at all but they ended up giving us about 2%. I should be grateful that it's not nothing but it's really frustrating. I worked hard and hit my targets, it's not my fault that my company set it's own targets too high!
Also living with drew and Robyn is stressing me out a bit. It could be a lot worse and they are helping with the bills but not the mortgage. I'm still struggling to stay out of my overdraft at the end of each month. I spend too much on food.
I'm really frustrated with myself for letting myself get this way. At the end of 2012 I kind of liked myself, I was exercising regularly, I felt good about myself for standing up to Andrew and telling him enough was enough and that we should spilt up. And then I slowly let all my bad habits creep back in and now I'm fatter then I ever was, in a scary amount of debt despite having help from my family. I know I that disliking myself is counter-productive but at the moment I can't see what's to like. I'm turning 29 in 4 months time, I really don't want to go into my 30th year feeling like this.
Sorry for the self-indulgent rambling and for any typos, as I'm writing on my phone.
X
Loading comments...