Sometimes in Soon

I get stuck in my own head.
Hearing the same words.
Having the same thoughts.
I fall in a trance of guilt, sadness and just plain anger.
Reliving every fucking excruciating moment....
Like a timeline.
First I need to go over everything I did wrong.
Where did I go wrong.
When did I become such a shit fucking person that drove my sister to do what she did.
I replay over and over… every time she was sad and I noticed… why didn’t I say anything? Why didn’t I comfort my sister. Why did I just expect her to be stronger than the rest of us…
She had such a big heart and was always so happy.
Then comes the why… Well why didn’t you say this? And you could’ve said that.
Why didn’t you hug her? Why did you not see the agony in her eyes.
Why couldn’t I tell or care that she was suffering.
She was always there for me. No matter what. No matter how angry I made her. She always had my back....
But why does it feel like I never had hers?