Hi... I don't really know how to start this journal entry. So I guess I'm going to cut right to the chase: Malika, my dad's wife, died in a fire 13 days ago. The people who know me know that my dad died 2 years ago from colon cancer... And that he was an alcoholic, and so was his wife... I never really got along with her because she could be a little "coocoo" when she had too much to drink, which was most of the time. Nevertheless, she was always very kind to my family and when we'd go and visit she was very hospitable and did her best not to drink (it was a rule of mine, that I wouldn't visit them if they were under the influence). That didn't stop them from calling me non-stop sometimes and from eating my ear out with drunken confusion and haze for hours on end, until I would eventually hang up (feeling somewhat guilty, cause I'm not an impolite person, but I had to tend to my family and things). I won't hide the fact that she made my life difficult at times, it was really hard for me to speak with my dad without having her grab the phone from him and talk about non-sense, constantly repeating the same phrases over and over again... But I know now that it wasn't 'her', of even 'him' that were saying or doing those things but alcohol. When I was younger I used to cry a lot, wondering why she'd scream at me, telling me I ruined their Christmas because I simply called to say Merry Christmas.... Eventually, like I said, I "got it" and I knew it wasn't personal. It still made me sad, to see them waste their life, potential & time... But in the end, it wasn't my decision... I couldn't change the path they had chosen for themselves... One thing I DID know however is that I was going to do & be better, I wasn't going to follow into that path... And I wanted my kids to have "me", all of me, not just a few pieces... but everything, sane, here, now, sober. SO, my dad died, and it was REALLY hard on her... They were partners in pain. When he left... She was alone to deal with herself for the first time in 20 years. She kept my dads ashes. He didn't have a proper funeral and although my dad had asked me to put his ashes in the ocean, I couldn't bring myself to ask her to part from what was left of him... She was so attached to them, she would still talk to him as if he were there... Sitting on that shelf... I told myself "well, one day I will get them back and carry out his last wish..." So, last December, before leaving to Mexico, I spoke to her over the phone, I thought we could visit her before leaving, so she could meet Dia... And I knew she had some things of my dads she wanted to give to me, like pictures and such. When we spoke, she told me she had "met" another man, she seemed a little shy to tell me at first, but that quickly faded and she 'introduced' him to me over the phone, his name was Johnny and he was also a drunk... He was singing his heart out to me over the phone. It was a little intense... After the call, I told Luis I wasn't sure I wanted to go and visit her before leaving... I didn't know this man... And, it was one thing for me to go there when my dad was living, that was "visiting grandpa", however crazy it could be... But visiting Malika, with her new boyfriend, I just didn't know how to explain that to the kids, it was just weird you know... So, about 2 weeks ago, I get a message from Sophia, her daughter, with whom I'm still in touch with, mainly over Facebook, telling me to call her urgently, and low and behold... She died... In a fire... In her apartment, caused by a lit cigarette, and Johnny (the guy I had met over the phone) had also died... And everything was burnt. Whoa. That was a hard pill for me to swallow. I didn't know how to feel about it. It was just so tragic, so violent. Everything was gone. She had died in pain, I know so because she was still alive and she died in the hospital, from her burns. My dads last wish also died with her. All of their things, their memories, gone. It was just... wow... I don't know how to explain how I felt, but it is a tragic end to a tragic life... let me tell you. I so happened to be reading about positive thinking, about the laws of attraction that week, and it helped pull me through. We went to the funeral last week, and it was strange, I felt, in the car, as we were going there, that my dad was with us in the car, going there with us, I felt like he was happy, like he was sober, well dressed, going to meet her, I felt a certain peace, I felt like he was proud of me, I felt like he was telling me everything was going to be okay. When I got there, I was happy to see Malika's daughters... See, we suffered the same pain, a similar loss, they also had lost them way before they'd died, to alcohol, and we could relate to eachother on that aspect. It was nice to meet people who knew my dad, who told me he was a good man... You don't know how nice it is for me to hear that... I don't know a lot of people who know him and the people who do, like my mom, always just have negative things to say about him.... But beneath the alcohol there was a man... And he was good. It was nice to hear it. Maybe for the last time in my life will I ever hear those words, but it was good enough for me, it was what I needed. I can breathe now.
Not a lot of people know about this... I haven't shared any of it on Facebook.. or on youtube.
Here are the latest videos I posted on my youtube channel:
A sweet little bit of my life, Luis laughing with Pao:
If Anyone you know needs some advice on breastfeeding I've got quite a few good tips here:
And just a few tips on saving some money when buying groceries:
So, that's it for now.. Love you guys.
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