My Story of Stillbirth in Grief

I am going to put a few entries on here over time that will be for anyone that may need to know that you are not alone. It may be my sadness, but hell it may be my anger about it. So, this is not to offend, or insult anyone elses journey. Its solely to be about my own journey and life through the most difficult part of my 30 years in this world.

I am the momma to a sassy and wild 3 (almost) year old girl, Paige. She is my reason for making myself move forward everyday. And that means a lot to me to have her. She doesn’t understand the saving she does for me everyday… one day when she is a mom she might.

So on 08/20/18, I was sick and did not feel well at all and I was told to go to the ER, so I did and my husband and I learned that we were going to be parents of Baby #2. ( Miss Caroline Leigh ) and we just were in a excitement bubble that sadly did not last long.
I had extremely awful morning sickness ALL DAY LONG and we put on zantac for it. and that somewhat helped but not all the time. Around 15 weeks I was having horrible stomach pains and didn’t understand why. Come to find out I had and umbilical hernia that caused be a lot of pain and discomfort. My doctors decided it was best to ride it out and fix it after baby was born because by the time it was addressed I was at around 27 weeks and that is too far along for anything surgical. this pregnancy was full of doctor appts for things other then my babys health because at every appt she was fine, perfect.

At 25 weeks, we had an ultrasound and she was showing us her beautiful heart and face. 27 we went in and the doc had a hard time finding the heart beat on the dopler but I am over weight and this didn’t surprise me cause she found it and when she did it was strong and fast.

Feb 12th 2019
30 weeks. My husband ended up being off work that day and I asked him to go with me, that I would like him to join and I am so so so so so glad he didn’t fight me on it.
We went to the ob, and we were put in a room for a tummy check. Dr came in and she was not able to find the heart beat in just about 15 secs and said shed like to get a ultra sound to check everything out cause itd been 5 weeks anyway and so we were sent back to the waiting room. I wasn’t concerned cause I knew at my last appt the other ob in the office was struggling finding it too and I just thought she was not in the area that this DR was checking in. Clinton and I sat in the waiting room and talked about how close Paige and Caroline’s birthdays were going to be and I was saying they could share and party and he was TOTALLY against shared parties.
We were called to the ultrasound tech and DR P walked in and the first .0005 seconds I knew it was not right. I gripped Clintons hand tighter and I looked at both DR and tech and I knew before she ever said the words. The most horrible sentence a momma and daddy can ever hear in this life or the next.
Sweetie, your baby doesn’t have a heartbeat anymore.
You know I have watched movies, tv shows, read books even where there was a moment that the character was instantly hit with an amount of emotion too strong for words and they say its like auto pilot. And that’s true. I never understood how they could have such a mind numbing snotty moment that quick like they didn’t even have time to process what was said. And maybe that is because I have only lost a few people close to me but not enough for that moment, you know a few friends and a couple grandparents that I wasn’t close to. So, I just empathized with the pain I saw portrayed. But, in that moment it was like the life was kicked so hard out of me all I could do was wail. and I mean that word. Wail. my husband hugged me tight and as his world fell in to just as many pieces he held me and we tried to move to a further room away from other moms seeing there healthy babies. I remember walking down the back hallway and I made it a few steps, Clinton went in to instruction mode and was walking faster following a nurse to a back room and I made it half way and felt like my body just wasn’t going to get me there. I gripped the wall and felt my emotions bury me there in that spot. Clinton came and got me and helped guide me to a room. I remember sitting on something right inside the door. It was close to the floor. and I cried so hard I couldn’t breath.. the doctor came in and sat beside me on the floor and said I had an option. I could go home, and come back in the morning to induce labor. Or I could be admitted to induce and deliver the following day. I knew the answer without thinking, I had to stay cause I was afraid id never go back if I didn’t. She walked out the room and I called my momma. He called his. I remember the reaction of every person we had to tell. I will never forget it.

I will journal more tomorrow.
I am thinking of you often my little one, more and more as your 1st birthday is only 12 days away. I love you.