This. That. in 2014

I am totally useless today. Sometimes I just have days where I faff about and achieve nothing, and I think today is one of those days. I really need a job where I’m not able to do that, like a nurse, or a dr, or something where I don’t have access to a phone or computer. They make me lazy and I procrastinate. Bad times.

I haven’t written in a little while so I guess I should update. After the failed clomid cycle I went back to the GP and he prescribed me another cycle but at a higher dose. I also asked about what happens if it continues to not work. He said he will prescribe one more cycle after this, then I’ll have to wait for my referral to the hospital. So I asked if they’d just give me more cycles there and he said that they probably wouldn’t, since if it’s not working after 3 cycles then doing more is a bit pointless. I think he means if it’s still failing to make me ovulate though. If I am ovulating but just not getting pregnant then they might carry on for a few more, but they’ll probably want to check my tubes aren’t blocked and presumably check Jonny’s spermies. Which will be interesting as he can’t often, erm, arrive without assistance from me. I wonder if they allow conjugal visits for these things? Anyway, apparently if the clomid isn’t working then they will try IVF. I was kind of shocked that it could escalate to that so quickly, although thinking about it I don’t know what in-between steps I really thought there were. Still. It’s a bit scary. Not thinking about that too much for now though, as we have at least another 2 cycles of clomid before we have to even go to the hospital. I haven’t started the second one yet as the GP said to wait a couple of weeks before starting the progesterone (which will induce a period) so I will start those on Sunday. It’s been quite nice to have a bit of a break for a couple of weeks without having to think about it. My head is starting to get back into “PSP” mode now though. I’ve started trying to chart my temperatures (because they should indicate if I ovulate) but so far they’re just all over the place. I’ve also stocked up on evening primrose oil, sperm-promoting lube, ovulation tests and pregnancy tests. It’s so glam. My ebay packages used to contain shiny things and shoes. Not so much now. Although I did buy galaxy leggings the other day. I would insert a picture but either I'm being stupid or the toolbar isn't working. Either way, no picture. Soz.

In other news I am officially on a diet as of Saturday when I tried to find a “weekend” outfit i.e one that does not consist of a shapeless dress and leggings (which is what I normally wear to work) and discovered that most of my skirts and shorts are too tight. I was genuinely totally freaked out and upset. I’m also kind of amazed since I skate for 4 hours a week (which is a pretty hefty workout) and whilst I don’t monitor every single thing I eat, I by no means eat junk or hugely over indulge. I know PCOS is a factor though and has probably been compounded by the fact I don’t walk all the miles like I used to in Cardiff. Also, wine. Need I say more? So yes, dieting has begun in earnest. If I don’t get pregnant this cycle we’re hoping to book a last minute deal to somewhere warm in May so I would like to not look like a whale in a swimming costume. And if I DO get pregnant I’d like to at least start the pregnancy slim so I’m not starting off on the back foot. Plus, I should be cutting back on the booze anyway if I want to get knocked up. I’m just doing my normal skate sessions and using myfitnesspal to monitor calories at the moment, but planning on trying to add at least one gym session a week in if I can. Can’t go until at least Thursday though (and Thursday is always my most sleepy day after having derby on Monday and Wednesday) so we will see how it goes. We have an extra 3 hour skate session on Saturday as well though so that’s something. And I am trying to just be generally more active, going for walks and things. I don’t want to be fat. I hate my stupid stomach.

I’ve also been thinking about going back to counselling. It’s nothing specific, it’s just the ever present soul-destroying life-controlling anxiety. Sometimes I talk about how something makes me anxious, and I assume that it’s just life, and everyone feels like that, but then when other people hear what I’m saying they’re like ‘no, that’s not normal.’ Not in a mean way, it just reminds me of what the old counsellor said about how I suffer from anxiety and it isn’t a normal part of life and I don’t have to just shut up and get on with it, I can try to change it. I had a look online and there is a guy in the village down the road (the village we should be moving to soon) who isn’t too expensive and actually offers lots of options with telephone counselling and email counselling and things. I like that he’s flexible and aware of the fact that not everyone can afford the time or money that others can. So it’s something I’ve got my eye on anyway.

Look at me trying to better myself n shiz!! Haha. Now if only I could sort out my motivational issues with work we’d be laughing…