The scariest thing I’ve ever done in Musings

It might sound silly to some but today I did one of the scariest things I have ever done. I sat down face to face with my parents and talked to them about my beliefs (or lack there of).

My relationship with my dad was super messed up growing up. He was angry. Violent at times. Yelled at me for relatively unimportant things. I never ever for my 33 years have felt comfortable talking to him about anything serious. I have seen him cry 3 times in my life: When I was suicidal (another entry for another day), my wedding day. And today. It was also one of 3 times I remember him hugging me since I left the house 15 years ago.

He has softened over the years. The last time he yelled at me was when I was pregnant (yeah) and I told him with complete seriousness that if he kept that shit up he wasn’t seeing my kids. He seems to have maybe done some inner work and is a much better person than he used to be. Though still very narcissistic.

It was HIS idea to sit down and have this talk. I said up front I didn’t want a debate and was prepared to leave. And at the beginning he came in hot with his stance and I almost left. I for once yelled at him. Told him if he was ready to apologize for the fucked up shit he did to me as a child I was prepared to hear that. But I didn’t want a sermon.

He at least took partial responsibility. He told me already said he was sorry for some past stuff (don’t remember that but okay) and then admitted that he didn’t always do right by me. He apologized that a lot of the teachings I heard in church were not right and they didn’t do a good enough job screening that. He said he wished they would have taken me to counseling years ago for my anxiety and depression. So at least I got an “I’m sorry” for that.

There was so much back and forth that my head is still spinning hours later. But the rest was at least civil. They admitted they think I’m going to hell (yay!) though their version of hell is less physical torment in a lake of fire and more emotional torment because being separated from God for eternity is torture. Apparently.

They heard me out on where I am at least as much as they could. They still think there is one right way. God sent his son through a virgin birth to die so we could be saved from our sin. I told them I just can not believe that anymore. And that I’m teaching my kids there are multiple ways to be spiritual and my boundaries are— if you talk about it with my daughters you preface it with “this is what I believe” and don’t tell them that what their mom and dad believes is wrong. They agreed though they say that it’s hard for them.

I asked them why they continue to go to church even though they don’t agree with so many things the church does. “Well it still has some good parts that we like” Okay. Sounds a lot like what abuse victims say of their abusers. I felt so sad for them in that moment honestly.

They’ll never understand where I am at. And that’s fine. I don’t care. For once. What other people believe in is their choice and I’m glad they are mostly happy where they are. It does suck that they are actively disappointed in my choice but they at least still love me and are willing to abide by my boundary in order to keep the relationship going.

They kept saying they just pray I could find peace and from where they are sitting this isn’t the way to do it. But I never fully had that peace in Christ like they do. But I do now. They can’t see that. Probably because I still have some religious trauma to work though. But I feel like I am in the best place I have ever been in my whole life.

Damn it feels good to be an atheist.