SEX, DEATH AND TINKERBELL - Part 1 in Adventures From Prison

We have a new addition to our gallery of misfits on the compound: Auntie Fester. Remember back in the early 90’s, the two Adaam’s Family movies with Raul Julia, Angelica Huston and Christopher Lloyd? Well Auntie Fester looks just like Christopher Lloyd’s portrayal of Uncle Fester – only he is flaming gay. He comes to us after being run off four compounds in as many years. It is very easy to see why. He has no sense of personal space, no social skills, and thinks if you are willing to speak to him you are automatically BFF’s. Stupid, stupid me spoke to him. Another thing I learned about Auntie Fester very quickly – he spits when he talks. I don’t think he can help it though. Besides being short, fat, bald and unusually lumpy, he is also missing his bottom, right front tooth. So when he gets excited (and boy does acknowledging his existence make him excited) his tongue pushes out of the gap transforming him into an iguana in need of a diet. “Hi (flick) how are you (flick), Gus (flick) (flick)?
My friends all think it’s hilarious, so they push us together whenever possible. I found myself cringing every time he came into the library, knowing he was “my” customer. Overall, he’s not a bad guy, but he’s also not the guy you want to be seen talking to in public – especially in prison with limited access to towels or spit guards. Getting him a book is like visiting your lonely Great Aunt, an hour long ordeal of tangents, flashbacks, and unfunny jokes. So a couple weeks go by and Auntie Fester slowly acquires a very odd group of friends. Good for him, right? Maybe so, but in the end not so good for me or the other librarians. Two weeks ago, Jay comes up to me and said, “We’ve got a problem.” “What’s that?” “I just talked to Ms. P, she got a memo from her boss telling her to keep an eye out for inappropriate bathroom behavior or they are going to have to take down the stall around the toilet!” (FYI – up until last year we had an open toilet sitting beside our urinal. So if you had to go poop, you just prayed no one had to take a whiz, otherwise things got weird – and they did often. After much campaigning they finally put up a privacy stall.) “What do you mean inappropriate bathroom behavior?” I ask, naively. “Are you guys not aiming well or something?” Jay looks at me, and then rolls his eyes. “No, dumbass, rumor has it, Auntie Fester is shining knobs for stamps.” “Oh…oh God. That’s…EEEWWW,” I groan, oh-so-maturely. “Yup,” Jay grins. “And since he’s your BFF, you get to tell him to knock that shit out.” “Me?” “Well, I’m not. And if Dave does it Auntie Fester will end up a real girl. He’s PISSED.” Seeing Dave has IBS and uses the throne 5 or 6 times a shift, I can understand his ire. Which is how I found myself discussing the appropriate uses of orifices in public bathroom facilities with a troll shaped gay man. (Surprisingly, college DID prepare me for that moment.)