Emphysema.
Asbestosis.
Parkinsons.
Lung cancer.
The loss of a great friend.
Last year is gone, it’s taken a lot out of me. I feel more hollow than I have any other time of my life. Dad is a shell of the man I grew up admiring, I still admire him, love him, but these past 7 years have worn down on him and it’s destroyed my hope, what little faith was left.
Garry, someone pivotal in my life, 20 fucking tumors in his brain, gone in a few months. What kills me is I hadn’t talked to him in a few years. Then boom, this. Gone. Someone I rode with and lived with and loved like a brother. I can’t deal with that loss. I stare out at the stars as I smoke pipe tobacco hoping he’s somewhere grand and there is more to this life after where gone, knowing there isn’t. God I miss him. It’s brought an emptiness to my heart I never felt before. I can’t talk to Aimee about this, there is so much darkness, I just feel like I’ve given up.
I miss riding, this place, Halifax, isn’t anything like the area’s around Brisbane. Even that memory isn’t a thing anymore. Australia is burning and all I can do is hope family stay’s safe. They are so far, thankfully.
It’s funny, most new years I have a goal. This year, just get through it, don’t give up. Don’t give in. By give in I mean, just lose all hope and forward thinking. This bastard dark spiral is sitting so heavy on my shoulders this year and I can’t shrug it. Music is a massive trigger lately too.
Anyway, 2am, should get to bed. The wife has been battling a cold and bad cough, hopefully she’s asleep and I can finally get some semblance of a full uninterrupted sleep. Funnily, nothing to do with her being sick, more the cat, and my body wanting to wake me every 3 hours or so for some reason. Here’s hoping 3 decent drams of single malt can curb it.
Footnote: This post was actually from last year, apparently I never hit publish. I need to click that button more often.
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