Shadows of The Past in Life After 60

From the Shadows of my Mind
Just another day, just another memory. Just another patient in a long week of names. Faceless, blurring, the mind-numbing task for people I don’t even know. To what end? For what reason? This is not the life I chose, but it is the life I choose.

Every day I cross paths with total strangers. People walk into and out of my life on an hourly basis. It is part of my job. It’s what I do. It’s what I have become. Going through the motions of this everyday life. So, I smile, I introduce myself, I explain what I will be doing and walk out of the room when my job is complete.

   Sometimes, if I pause long enough, I will hear a voice whisper in my ear, "Say something to them"  I used to question that voice, put it out of my mind or at least hide it in the shadows as if it did not exist.  I mean, really they are just people who will come and go, unnoticed and uncaring of why I am in the room.  And then it happened.

Most of my patients seldom speak of their personal lives. Oh, we will talk and joke about my personality or the lack thereof in some cases, but seldom do we engage in personal real-life moments. John became an exception. As I sat and asked questions of his wife, I noticed John intently watching my every move and listening to my every word. His wife would say something and John, he would kindly reiterate the point to me. Now, most of the time I will admit I find this distracting and bothersome, but I let it go and do my best to tune the other person out.

I heard something in John’s voice, I saw something in his eyes. And I began to focus my attention on John. From out of nowhere he hit me with the most devastating words that I would hear that day. “I am sorry Doctor but I have to listen really close, I am in the early stages of dementia.” A part of me died at that moment. Here sits a couple, in their early 80’s, married some 50 years, sharing their life with me when I realized they are most likely not going to share very many more memories together because of this illness.

As I finished my job, I saw tears in Johns’ eyes. I could not only see his pain I felt it. I mean really felt it. As I left the room John stopped me and shook my hand. Looking into his eyes, the man thanks me for taking the time to listen and care for his wife! I walked out of the room with tears in my eyes thinking that from the shadows of my mind would I be as kind and loving as John if I were facing his future.