I went to my Mom’s for Christmas like usual. It was nice, dull. I’m glad I went but it did just remind me how out of place I am in all aspects of my life; how little I feel I fit in. People like to have someone organize, be confident, and make thing shappen for them. F.. sometimes I’d just like someone to do it for me. Even with my family, of which I am the youngest, the parents are done doing things and my brother never bothered. So, it’s me. Which is fine.. but like I am tired of always being the adult. When does someone just take care of me…
With that, I realize that in my personal relationship I want to be able to share my unhappiness or disconnection. Amanda said I put on a good show of confidence and happiness in the begining. So, I guess now I think she feels like I have tricked her. But last night we went out and had a cute coupley time and it was great; I thought. But, it was the end of the night she mentioned my personality changes. So, maybe it wasn’t great for her? I don’t know.
I debate just telling her that she has an out, she can bail when she wants. And just going forward with her as best I can until she takes her out. I used to think I was with her to help her get over Blue. I still think that’s true. But maybe the help I am giving is more of a distracton method than bringing happiness to her. I suppose that’s worth it for her.
Damn, the more I write and think about this, the more I think I we’re done and how much that sucks.
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