Thoughts I should probably say in Mental chaos

My mind is so fucked up. I love you and I have faith that this could be something great. I know I’ve only known you the last 2 months and those have honestly been the best 2 months of my life. The way you look at me like I’m the most beautiful human you’ve ever seen,the way you treat me like a queen and cherish my company ,your corny jokes,your incredible dance moves, the way your lips press against my forehead,the way I feel when your head fits perfectly between my brown bronzed legs, the way your hands caress my body knowing my every curve, the way your breathing changes right before I make you cum. These are just a few small details that correlate to the reason I love you. I’m not perfect I’ve made mistakes. I’ve told you lies,I’ve taken your kindness for granted,and I disregarded your feelings when I was the one who hurt them. I am HUMAN and I am young. Yes you’re right I have a future ahead of me,I have goals to accomplish,yes our age difference is a tremendous gap,You already have kids and have been through two marriages and you’ve lived but that doesn’t change the love I want to give you. You’ve been through hell and back for the people you care about and they have cheated on you,emotionally abused you and neglected the love you were willing to give. I’ve hurt you a few times and I know actions speak louder than words and lately my actions haven’t been the best. I want you to see that I’m trying because I want to be with you. I haven’t lost my faith in us. Yes, I’m just as scared as you because I don’t know what the future holds but one thing I’m certain of is I am better WITH you than WITHOUT you. I know I probably sound ridiculous right now but that’s OK. If I could spend every second of my life with you until I die that would be fine. I don’t need friends,I don’t need to go out and party because to me you are so much more important than that. You don’t get it I want YOU i love YOU. Stop pushing me away because of your past, stop pushing me away because of the mistakes I’ve made. Stop pushing me away because your heart has been broken before. I’m not like that,I’m not like your past I promise.

However I won’t deny that apart of me feels helpless,apart of me feels like you really don’t want me anymore. You’re slowly changing. You’re becoming someone who I think you’re not meant to be. You deserve so much and if you don’t want me PLEASE just tell me so I’m not constantly chasing after you trying to prove my love for you.

Come back to me

I NEED YOU.

I’m going crazy without you and you know what sucks the most. I’d rather disappear then tell you this to your face. I remain paralyzed in my own fear of rejection. I’ve never been loved the way you love me.

How can I show you that I can change?

Unfortunately,I don’t have to search for that answer because I already know. I have to speak up and voice how I feel. How? How the hell do I do that? I’m so fucking scared. I’m scared you no longer love me,I’m scared that you’re already moving on,I’m afraid that I’ll never be enough for you.

I’m hurting also and you’re hurting me. We both have been hurt and it’s both effecting our lives on a daily basis. Let me love you and I’ll allow you to love me back. Is that so bad? Day by day we can make it work,but only if you want it to work. Sadly apart of me knows that you don’t want it to work and maybe it’s time for me to just accept that.

I’m not OK and honestly I don’t think I’ll be for awhile. I’m stuck between just walking away and trying to make this work.

This sucks.

Xoxo Jo’s thoughts :(