22DEC2019 SADNESS in Sergeant's Log

(1) Generally sad today and feeling out of touch with the world.

(2) I drove to a very commercialized part of town.. nothing but big name stores and a mall. I had a list of things to get, but ended up not getting any of them. I walked out the retail store feeling deep sadness and loneliness. There isn’t anything in particular that is the driving force of this… I have my theories though. However, in general, I find chain stores and over commercialization to be very isolating, and it sucks the soul out of my body. I kinda want to move to a mountain town and feel like apart of a community. This city shit is getting old and I feel out of place here.

(3) I am having a hard time being out of the Marines… I live in the city that I grew up in and I do not feel like this is home at all. I really wanted to move back here and now that I am here… well… I am disappointed to say the least. Was getting out of the Marines the right move? I still believe so. There are just so many people that I know so well that I no longer talk to, or they are dead. I even found love when I was in the Marines… a chick in the Navy… Man, I have a whole story about her that I will write one day. Our paths crossed again this year, I poured my heart out to her, and she rejected it… one of the only women I have ever felt the ability to love. She lives on the other side of the country, so I get it, but damn that did not matter to me one bit. She is perfect to me and I did everything I could to convince her that I was worth it. Fuck it. Either way it seems like there are more people that I use to know than I currently know. I want to hit the pause button. Or a reset button. Something to correct whatever the hell has went wrong and that is causing me this great sense of drift and isolation. Thank fucking God for my dog who is currently between my legs as I sit up in bed to write.

(4) Trying to find inspiration to push the line forward: There is a Marine I knew who blew his brains out two years ago. He happened to be my best friend’s childhood friend. It is still very hard on him. This guy was the reason why he joined. He once drove us to their home town for thanksgiving.. I believe that was in 2013. It was a great time. He had spun out so quickly and his leadership (higher ranking Marines within his unit) failed him. It was around Christmas time when he killed himself… which is a high risk month for Marines actually. He was a good dude. It can be the firefights in our minds that make us fall. My thoughts are with his family this holiday season. I hope they find peace.

(5) New week and I am going back to the gym this week. Looking forward to listening to music too loudly and getting after it.