Lights Off, Lights On in Diary

  • Dec. 19, 2019, 10:41 a.m.
  • |
  • Public

I came home today and the lights wouldn’t turn on.

I work too hard.

I know I work too hard, because when I come home, away from work, work is still with me.

Work is there. It’s in the back of my head. The work I didn’t get done, the work that still needs to get done, the work my coworkers have made for me that could’ve been dealt with much, much more efficiently if they were just smart enough to do things like plan and organize things.

So, when I come back home, instead of working out, or studying Japanese, or cooking healthy food, or paying my goddamn bills, I am still thinking about work.

To do things like work out and pay bills, you need a certain amount of mental bandwidth.

You need a certain amount of slack to be able to stop thinking about this thing, and start thinking about that thing.

But I don’t have that slack.

When I come home, I do not think about things that must be done at home—I think about how the hell I’m going to get myself to forget about work. Everything else is a ‘eh, I can deal with that later’.

And then the lights go out.

And then you realize how real ‘real’ life can be.

You see that life is impartial to whether or not you’re ready for it.

I run out to the store. I pay my bills. I come back home.

And the lights go on.

This job is not worth all this.

No, this job is not worth all this.

Yesterday, I drew on my new iPad for I-don’t-know-how-long.

I was the most rested and relaxed and harmonious I’ve been in months.


I’m still anxious about drawing—long story—but with this slick, smooth device, and a sprinkle of free time, I was transported into another dimension.

I disappeared.

At the very least, my problems disappeared.

The disorganization of my coworkers,

The demands of my coworkers,

With a flurry of stylus strokes and fingers pinch-zooming and canvas-turning,



I drew tonight, too.

In the dark, with the lights out, with the heat off, I bundled up in my blankets, my sweater, my knit cap,

and I drew and drew and drew.

I should be sleeping right now.

I should be getting ready for work in the morning.

Instead, I am being an irresponsible little bastard.

Tinkering with settings.

Tinkering with shortcuts.

Filling myself with awe and wonder.

I don’t know when I’ll sleep tonight,

But I guarantee I will sleep well.

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