Mid teenage years, pre-transition.
Missed opportunities suck. You can’t go back and fix them. You can’t point to it and say “this hurt me”. It didn’t happen, and that’s what hurts. It’s so painful.
Growing up trans and transitioning so late (Relatively. Some might call mid 30s early) means I have almost half a lifetime of missed opportunities, including my entire childhood / teenage / young adult college years. Very important developmental years that I will never, ever get back.
As a closeted transgender teen I wasn’t well connected with my peers at all. Did I ever really have friends? Not close ones. I wasn’t completely isolated by that point, that comes later. One day when I was 14, I followed some of my peers to the river after school. I had never experienced anything like this before, and never really did again. It was wooded and secluded, and there were maybe a dozen people there, all school aged, and I didn’t know most of them.
I was there, but only as a spectator. As a cis girl, here’s how I would have experienced that day. I would have been there with friends, not distant peers. I would make friends, make connections, share experiences. Meet boys. Maybe share phone numbers. Maybe go off for a walk with someone I meet. Some people are in swim suits. Some showing more skin than others. It’s hot, sunny, the water is cool and refreshing. I’m laughing. I’m smiling and having meaningful eye contact.
I mourn that afternoon. That fantasy isn’t an experience that was very accessible to a closeted trans teenager growing up in the 90s. I know how melodramatic this sounds, but it’s really hard for me to feel happy moving on when I have so many memories like this instead of meaningful moments. I’ll be sharing more in later entries.
- Lost Drone
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