So I guess life will just be a balancing act of caffeine and yoga, wine and weed, Valium and lidocaine, clarity and none. I am reading more and eating right and am highly productive but somewhat flighty at work. Today I had a cup of coffee, out of habit, and now, nine hours later, my palms are sweaty.
The last time I did physical therapy I used the Valium, but not the lidocaine. Tonight I will try the lidocaine and no Valium. I can do this.
I signed up for a gym last night, which was a terrible idea because I can use the University gym for free. I can cancel after my first class for a full refund which is probably what I will do. The guy who signed me up was very persuasive, because that is his job, but looking back on the situation, I can't help but genderize it. He was good looking, in his thirties, artificially tan, and in his element, a gym, where I feel entirely out of place. He complimented my hair, told me my picture looked really nice, encouraged me to email him several times. Then went over this complicated rate plan very quickly, likely in the hopes that I wouldn't ask too many questions. I felt like I couldn't say no. I felt uncomfortable, and pressured, and while I can always stand up for myself when it is important, I didn't feel like I had a choice. I really have been conditioned my entire life to never say no to unfamiliar men; I don't have the same difficulty with other women. In recognizing this, I am often able to overcome it, but I think it may have gotten to me last night. Or maybe I just have buyers remorse.
Last Thursday Erin and I went out for drinks with her friend Captain, and after she came to my apartment and we smoked a joint and watched Tree House Masters and made out. Then she drove her boyfriend's Benz home. Tuesday I went to UNOs with both of them, and then we went back to their place and cuddled, smoked a joint, and watched Ink Masters. A pattern emerges.
This entry is a fucking gender mess. No wonder I have so much anxiety. And for the record, I drink and smoke in moderation, am prescribed the Valium, which I take about twice a month, for a legitimate medical condition, and I have a few cups of coffee a week.
Gordie cancelled our date this week and is now in Tampa for spring break with his friends. He's smart, and sexy, but I am not going to chase him. I'll send him a cute text in a couple of days, but the ball is in his court.
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