Of Friendships, or Acquaintances? in The Book Of Everything

And here I am for my second time.

I’ll pick the topic of Friendship today.

I will start with the premise that I think my perception of Friendship has been distorted ever since I was a kid. My personal belief is that, being part of the generation that grew up especially on anime that was constantly put in the lunch/after-school and early afternoon time slot, I have been particularly influenced to have a very strong and absolute sense of Friendship. The kind of Friendship where people would do all they could to help each other and have a very strong sense belonging among a group of people, no nuances in the relationships.

In elementary school, I had in fact that one group of kids I belonged to. We were five boys and often frequented each other’s houses and played games and did homework and all the stuff you would do as a elementary school kid really. Even remembering it puts a strange feeling of nostalgia inside my chest, memories of that period are somewhat sparse and vague but with a very specific feeling of lightness.

When we had to go to middle school, we split. We went to the same middle school actually, but in two different classes. I was with one guy and the other three all went to another class entirely. We barely ever reconnected. I remember very specifically how we had school trips with their class and despite not having spoken in months we would just laugh and joke as if we were never separated. I never understood why we couldn’t just connect, even if just in the hallways of the school.

In university, I have met a number of guys that I honestly could say I formed Friendships with, but it feels like some of them couldn’t be arsed to maintain the connection we made. After all, there’s no real equivalent to publicly expressing love for Friendships. Love implies “being in a relationship” or “he’s my boyfriend/girlfriend”, it implies mutual agreement in a certain sense, while I have rarely said, convincingly for myself, that “we’re friends” or “he’s a friend of mine”. Do I call you a classmate or are you a friend? Are you just a housemate or going out eating burritos actually makes us friends? And this truly holds you back when you have your phone in your hand, and maybe you want to hit someone up that you haven’t seen in a minute, but then it eats at you how you may just be bothering this person.

At the beginning I talked about how anime shaped up my perception of Friendships. Well, what most anime aimed at kids generally tell is the story of Japanese high school, a very intense period where apparently most of the fun is had for Japanese kids. Once high school ends, though, and exam tests have given you the right to enter to university, people do in fact split up and never see each other again. There was in fact a piece of the puzzle missing. You just cannot expect to hold close all these relationships without incredible effort, now that you’re one foot into the world of adulthood and many other concerns might come up.

But it’s easy to just dismiss all this with a “you’re not supposed to”. It’s a downward spiral, you don’t try because maybe it isn’t even worth it. Is it worth it when it feels like everyone would like to have you at arm’s length? And there goes another excuse again.

I haven’t even scratched the surface on how many friendships I constantly reevaluate, whether I have ever done the right thing, if I have ever been appreciated, whether I’m truly appreciating other people’s efforts. Is it ever going to be enough? Do you consider me a friend, or and acquaintance? Do I consider you a friend, or an acquaintance? Which came first, the egg or the chicken?

Last updated August 02, 2020