Chess Game? in God, With Skin On

I am not a Chess player. You have to be way too logical to play, to play well, you need to be on the higher end of the genius scale. But somedays that what my life feels like. The problem, someone else is playing Chess with my life. I am just a pawn (pun intended) in a game I am watching take place.
I look back on my life and wonder how much of it I have had control over. And what I find, especially during the holidays, is that I don’t enjoy the game. From Thanksgiving to New Years I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up on the other side of the new year.
I suffer from depression. And it is seasonal. But I try to stay positive. I have been to the dark side of suicide and even then I wonder how much control I had. My faith doesn’t just waver, it fails. I keep waiting to hear “Check Mate” and realize the game is over. Some days I just need a hug and a smile like so many others who hid behind the smile.