So this is where we are... in Portrait of a....

After the last entry I spoke with the ex and finally ended it. I told him I couldn't continue to talk to him. It's too painful. I asked him not to contact me. He didn't.

I didn't delete him from facebook. I was having trouble letting go. And to be honest, I wanted him to see what I was doing. He doesn't post much on facebook at all but he was always on it.

A few days after I'd said goodbye to him for good, a friend came over with another friend (photographer) to interview me for their blog. I took a photo of my friend sitting on the couch with one of my cats who looked very happy and relaxed. I posted it on facebook thinking nothing of it. Later on, I saw my ex logged on then suddenly was gone. I looked at his page and saw that he had deleted me. I felt like simultaneously bucket of hot and cold water had been dumped over me. What the fuck?? You delete me?? no, no no no....So, I broke the no contact rule, wrote to him on whatsapp and asked him why he had deleted me so suddenly without any word.

He said, "i couldn't stand to see another man in your home'. Um...what? 'Sitting on the couch with the cat'. I was gobsmacked at what i was reading. He went on to say things like 'i lived with you in that house. We had so many moments on that couch. I see another man playing with 'cat' and it kills me.' I swiftly reminded him that he decided not to be with me. He gave that up so he has no right to be angry about what I do. And even though I don't have to explain myself to anyone, I told him that my friend is gay (which is true) and then he got all nasty and stupid about it. How do i know he's gay? everyone is gay. is there something in the water? is it written on his ID card?

Ugh! I once again reminded him that he'd made his bed so would need to lay in it. Without complaint. I also told him it was insulting to what I felt (had felt) for him to think that I could move on so quickly.

After that I was so angry and disgusted by his behaviour I was thinking it might be easier to move on and get over him.

This past weekend I was sick. Most of my friends had gone to Budapest. I couldn't go because of being sick. So, I spent the whole time home alone. Sick. Feeling sorry for myself. crying. A lot. I ate a whole tub of Mozart balls ice cream in teh space of less than 24 hours. Fell like shit about it, but damn it was good.

So this week, was still feeling depressed. Still sick; nasty sinus infection. About to get my period. Very emotional. Monday night I spent about an hour crying on the phone with my mum about it before I went to sleep. in the morning i woke up to see a message from him that he sent at 3:30am. it just said 'goodnight'. What the fuck??

That stupid littel message tormented me all day. My rational side said to just ignore it. My confused, hurt, heartbroken, emotional side said to reply. That side one. Finally in the evening i answered him and said 'please don't make me block you'. He said ok. I asked him why he was doing that. He said that he wanted to know if everything is fine. What??!! I told him it's not. I said if he had anything of value to say to me I would listen. He answered 'alright then, sorry to disturb you'. That's when I lost it. Burst into tears. He told me he thought he had a right to ask me sometimes how i'm doing. No. No, you don't. I reminded him that I asked him not to contact me. I went on to tell him exactly how i'm not fine. I wish i could've told him that i'm fine and happy and fucking so many guys. But, it's not true. I could only be honest. And yes, a part of me wanted him to feel bad.

So, now I almost feel back to square one.

I've signed up on a site. My friend encouraged me to do it. i'm not ready, but i also need a distraction. Most of the guys on there are not even interesting. They just want to have sex. I'm not even into that. I'm so depressed.

Part of the difficulty with this is this feeling of being alone. It was so nice to have someone. To know that someone is thinking of you, is worried about you, waiting for you at home. Now, I'm just alone again. Yes, I have friends. I see them. Then I go home to no one. Once I leave my friends, no one knows what i'm doing. I pass the hours unnoticed in a way. I cook and eat alone. Go to sleep alone. Wake up alone. Just me and the cats. I'm the lonely woman with the cats again. Yes, Í've been alone before. This is nothing new. But, I don't want to be alone anymore. At this point, though, I can't imagine finding the connection and intimacy I had with him. Yeah, he's obviously a jackass. The chemistry and passion we had in bed was truly amazing. Like none I'd had before. But not only this type of intimacy. Just knowing each other's habits. Right before I cut contact in the days when we were still kind of talking, i mentioned that I was having trouble seeing the text on the phone; that i couldn't find my glasses. He said 'they're probably on the bookcase. Or check next to the bed'. This broke my heart. This kind of familiarity hurt. That he would know exactly where to find them.

I had also noticed something in those days as well. He knows me better than anyone else in the world. He said 'i know you in all your moments'. And it's true. he knows me in every possible moment. It's hard to not have that anymore.

I need to move on. I need to try and get over him. I'm finding it so difficult. I don't want to cry anymore. I'm tired of it. I don't know what to do though...