Not that anyone cares in Telling It Like It Is
- Nov. 21, 2019, 2:52 p.m.
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- Public
Not that anyone probably cares but I posted a previous entry asking what people thought of my name and photo, asking them what they saw from and of it because....a lot of times, all the time, I feel like the whole world dislikes me and possibly even hates me. I’m 34, soon to be 35 on Sunday and I have no friends except for my mother and often times, I feel like she doesn’t like me either, she just tolerates me. I’ve never had friends because I’ve never been accepted. To other black people, because I’m black/biracial and because I don’t like rap, R&B, or hip-hop but instead like country music, Celtic/Irish/Scottish music, because I don’t talk and act black, I’m called a “sell-out” and a “white girl wanna-be” and to white people, - some of them, all they see is “a negro” or “some black girl”. So I don’t fit in anywhere.
To everyone else who’s not in the above category, I’m “too nice and too friendly”, which to them equals creepy, which to them means to stay away, SMH. So again, I don’t fit in anywhere.
Isn’t that pathetic? I’ve lived my 34 years very sheltered, never experiencing anything except schooling. I was contemplating today the idea of asking the Gods to not allow me to wake up on my birthday. I feel like I don’t even want to be here anymore because no one cares if I weren’t here. No one even knows I exist except for my mother.
They call people like me “bastards” because my mom had me out of wedlock and christians say that because I was born a bastard, my entire life is cursed and that I’m bad luck....I’m not a christian but....maybe that’s true. Maybe I’m cursed and that’s why I’m not deserving to have any happiness. I don’t know…I just know that I haven’t been this severely depressed in years. I just wish, I wish, I wish I could just die. I honestly do not want to be here anymore but I don’t have the courage to take my life by my own hand, but I hate it here because no one here - NO ONE on this planet likes me or even wants to befriend me or like me as a friend or even gives two craps about me and dare I say, they probably even hate me....
That’s all.
Marg ⋅ November 21, 2019
Caught you in the front page and just wanted to say I’m so sorry you’re feeling so down. You look very pretty to me but I understand how hard it must be to try and fit in somewhere and to feel like an outsider. It’s so sad you don’t have someone to offload to - especially not your mum. My daughter is a little younger than you and I would hate for her to think that way - she’s no stranger to depression but she’s always been able to offload to me thank goodness.
I do like your taste in music though! (I’m from Scotland :)
Deleted user ⋅ November 21, 2019
I agree with the others. You have to work on loving yourself first before anyone else can. I'm sorry you are feeling and have felt this way probably your whole life, but you should take the steps to work on you. I've learn as of late that the energy you put out into the Universe is what you'll get in return, so if you feel worthless there is no one that will make you feel worthy....but yourself!