Ever since Sunday, I have had this weird raincloud hanging over my head. I feel let down in some ways. By Gino, especially, but also by the small turnout to the Bolivia show in general. I know I should have promoted more, so it's probably mostly my own fault. And, some friends who couldn't come told me ahead of time, and promised to come to the gig on the 30th, so I don't think I should feel this way. But I also feel sort of ick because my voice was really not so good at the show due to a cold that came on pretty strong, only two days before. It was also the first time that Seanacey came to see me play, and my singing was really sub-par--my upper register completely shot, so I had to sing a lot of things in my lower range that I normally wouldn't. It didn't feel/sound right. I was also a bit scratchy from time to time. I really don't know how I could have gotten around it, but I just don't feel good performing when I'm not at my best.
And there's this other little thing about Seanacey too--she had been telling me for quite some time that she wanted to donate to Bolivia. I told her about the show, and she asked if she could donate more than the 1,000 yen ($10) cover if she came, because she really wanted to support me. I told her of course she could, that there would be a donation box, and that it would be so great! But she came, and then she didn't do that. So it feels weird. Maybe she will donate later. Or maybe not. Either way, I shouldn't care about it really... but for some reason it's just nagging at me. I think it's more that she said she would and she didn't than anything else. Of course I don't expect or even think that everyone should donate, and she definitely did a cool thing by coming out to the show, so I really need to let it go. I just struggle with people saying they will do something and then not following through. One of my pet peeves. However, I know that all of these things are really temporary and unimportant, I wish I could shake them. I know they're really of the ego, and it's already in the past, so there's no point in dwelling.
But maybe the blech is also some other things all coming to a head. Maybe it's my sadness at leaving, and the feeling that I haven't done everything I want to do here. Maybe it's the fear that if I leave, that when I come back someday, nothing will be the same. Maybe it's the feeling that even though I've had a great time here, I also feel like I have been too selfish and looking inward. Navel-gazing, if you will. I know that in the past four months or so, I decided to accept what was happening between me and Jun, despite moral questions, and just go with it. Maybe some of my uncomfortable feeling is coming from that I'm leaving, and it could be that the reality of what I have been doing with him all this time will begin to sink in. And it might not feel very good. But I don't know, maybe not. It might be fine.
The truth is that right or wrong, Jun has been and is so much to me. We are definitely in a relationship, though I don't think any label really fits what it is. He is there for me in every way. He tells me he loves me often, accepts my emotional temperament and silly fears, and looks at me with a deep, genuine gaze of care and connection that communicates more to me than anything we can say to one another. He steals kisses from me in elevators and on empty streets and tells me my kisses make him melt. That nothing feels better. We catch each others' eye when we're out with groups of friends, and subtly make the "I love you" sign I taught him in ASL. We laugh at our silly friends, at our cultural differences, at bad translations and at each other in certain perfect moments. When I feel insecure or like I'm too much to handle, he tells me that he wants to be near me whenever he can. He is a good friend to me.
And then, there's the music. It's what brought us together. He plays his sweet guitar and we sing together in harmony, and all the barriers of language and culture fade into nothing. The music we make together has woven itself into the fabric of my life here, and it is the brightest color. It gives everything else more warmth. I am so afraid of the pain I will feel when that part of my life disappears. I've never had a partner in music like this. Someone who wants to play with me any chance he can, who shares my taste in music, and who is so talented. Who encourages me and affirms me, but in subtle ways that don't make my ego explode. But who also knows me, feels my heart, and appreciates who I am. Sharing music with a person who you love and who loves you is such an amazing gift.
When I leave this place, I know that some things will change. But I don't want to view my connection with this beautiful man any differently. I want to continue to accept the choices I have made, as I do now, and take the bad with the good. I want to always remember Jun, for the rest of my life, and the way my heart feels when we are playing music together; when he is looking at me with such tenderness and sincerity. I want to remember his gentle heart, and the way he loves his friends, and the way they love and deeply respect him. I want to remember how at peace and in perfect bliss he looks when he plays the blues. I want to remember how fucking cool he is. The coolest guy I've ever met. I want to remember his laugh and his smile and his soft brown eyes. I want to see him again some day, and for that feeling between us to remain, as he assures me it will.
And I want this raincloud to clear away, so that I can be in the moment, and enjoy this final stretch before I'm gone from this place and these people, and a new chapter of my life begins.
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