Lately I dread the weekends. I dread them because I don’t know what mood I will be in. Is become a thing that I wish didn’t exist. During the week I guess I’m so busy or distracted by work I don’t really have time to go deep into this hole I seem to get myself in when the weekend comes. I hate this hole. Some days I feel like I can make it without falling in but other days like today I fall flat on my face and my whole day is ruined.
I have a beautiful healthy son and it angers me that I get so sad I can barely get out of bed and not be there 100% for him. I don’t want him growing up to seeing his mommy sad all the time.
About a year ago I found out my husband cheated on me. I decided to work it out and try to move past it but it has proven to be more difficult than I was ready for.
I’ve read books, listen to podcasts/Ted talks to try and learn to navigate the trauma that comes after a loved one cheats on you. It has helped in some ways but I still find myself at a loss.
I still care about and love my husband. I don’t put all the blame on him because I too have my faults in all of this. Through self help books and deep hard conversations I’ve realized that cheating is just a symptom of relationship in trouble. Ours was for years not as healthy as it should have been.
After the birth of our son, we both thought
on some level things would get better but that was not that case for us. We grew more apart than ever before.
My son was just 8 months old when I found out about the affair. I was devastated. I confronted him as soon as I found out. He came clean and told me everything. We both agreed to turn over a new page and start a new relationship with each other. The old us had failed so we were going to give it our all not to be those people again.
We have made progress, but there is a long road ahead of us still. We still remain committed to learn from the past and move forward.
I find myself struggling more than him. I have my good days and my not so good days, but him.. he seems to be living his life as if nothing ever happened. It is only when he finds me crying that I can tell he is reminded of what he did.
I hate to think it will always be this way. I just want to be happy.
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