Coming out as... an Atheist in Musings
- Oct. 30, 2019, 12:11 p.m.
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- Public
Christianity is in my DNA. My dad comes from generations of good church going folks. His brother became a preacher. My mom is one of those rare non rebellious pastor’s kids. Her brother also became a preacher. So if you’re keeping count that’s 3 pastors in my family. And that’s not counting cousins and other more distant relatives.
My parents met at seminary. Which if you don’t know is basically grad school for those wanting to become ministers of some sort. My dad never actually became an official minister. But he’s been a deacon and Bible teacher in every church he’s attended. My mom dedicated her whole professional life to Christianity in one way or another. She wrote for Christian publications. She was minister of missions at our church for a decade. She now works for a Christian non profit that helps victims of human trafficking
Christianity was a part of my life growing up mostly in that we were at church any time the doors were open. And sometimes even when it wasn’t as my mom worked there and had keys. Praying and Bible reading was supposed to happen at home daily though I will say we didn’t do it as a family as much as the church encouraged. I do distinctly remember my mom reading my brother and I Bible stories as bed time stories and almost every really early memory involves the church or friends we made there.
At the age of 7, I “asked Jesus into my heart” which is Christian speak to mean that I was now choosing for myself to follow Jesus. I was baptized and thus began my own journey into Christianity. I had my rebellious moments, but for the most part I was the model Christian good girl. I was known at school for it. I wasn’t an outspoken Bible thumper but people knew they could come to me for Christianity related questions and boys knew not to expect anything more than kissing from me.
I went to Christian college and majored in children’s ministry. My whole life was engulfed in Bible classes, house church (which is exactly what it sounds like—people meeting at someone’s house to study the Bible and fellowship), and we were even required to attend chapel at least once a week. And yet I remember that not being enough for my grandma. She chastised me constantly for not having an official church I was a member of.
Despite being surrounded by the Bible and experiencing the best feeling of community (or fellowship is Christian speak) I did have my doubts at the time. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship (with a man who is now a minister by the way). I even had sex with that boyfriend. I should have felt shame and guilt because of it but at that point in time I didn’t feel much of anything but burn out.
My faith was somewhat reignited when I met my husband at (you guessed it) church. I credited God for me finally breaking things off with the abusive asshole and bringing Nathan into my life. He was also raised in a Christian household. Albeit his parents don’t go back as many generations. His dad was born from an accidental teenage pregnancy. But his grandma dedicated her life to God after becoming a mother. His grandpa took a little longer but God is credited from turning him from an angry borderline abusive father into a kind and loving one. Nathan’s dad grew up to dedicate his career to ministry as well.
Our church attendance as a married couple was spotty at best. We had already decided that we didn’t want to be there constantly the way we both grew up. After having kids I felt the guilt about not raising our kids up in the fellowship of a church. So after 3 failed attempts to find a place to belong we joined the same church my parents attend. There have been some good times in past 3 years. Some nice people. But for the most part it began to feel like I was always the one reaching out to others and it was rarely reciprocated.
But it was more than that. A year ago I began to feel some major discontentment. Not just with church but with Jesus. I have been studying a lot about cults. And the similarities have been too much to ignore. What if Jesus was the original cult leader. A charismatic man with the ability to grow a following. Manipulating people who he were already vulnerable. The thought hasn’t been able to leave my head. Yes the things recorded about Jesus were painted in a very positive light. But of course that’s what his followers wanted out in the world.
I don’t know the truth. And my whole life that’s where faith as stepped in. The Bible tells you to believe not by faith and not but by sight. Despite raising me in Christianity, my parents also raised me to have a healthy dose of skepticism and to use logic and not just feelings when making decisions. And it’s now that skepticism which leaves me with more questions than answers.
So that’s where I’m at now. Nathan and I have discussed all this. He’s more on the side of “I hate church and religion but still believe the Bible” (though admittedly he doesn’t really live by its teachings) But we have agreed to stop attending church. I told my mom this week that we wouldn’t be back. It was one of the hardest things to do. She’s disappointed of course. But still loves me.
I’m not quite ready to come out as an atheist to her or any member of my family. And honestly atheist is probably too strong a word. I still believe in a higher power. God, if you will. But I don’t think I believe in the God of the Bible anymore.
I honestly don’t know what this means for the future. It’s funny because it honestly doesn’t really change my day to day life but it somehow changes everything. The biggest thing is I don’t know what we are going to do about the kids. Alex is young enough to not really know much. But Leah has been asking a lot of big questions. And I don’t really know what to tell her. I guess I will figure it out in time.
It’s been a slow burn. I do feel a loss though. It feels like I lost a relationship. And I guess I have in a way. I sometime feel a little bitter for having “wasted” 33 years of my life on something I don’t even believe in anymore. But I wouldn’t have met Nathan. Or had the girls. Or have the life I do now. So for now I’m thankful. And a bit relieved after writing this.
Please share your experiences or any advice you have for me. I’m still dealing with some guilt and confusion. Thanks for reading this and letting me put my story out there. There is so much more so I’ll probably be updating as things come to me as I’m not ready to talk about it with most anyone else.
CountingStars ⋅ October 30, 2019
I, too, was raised in a staunchly religious family. Two pastors, an uncle who oversees a worldwide mission program, church every sunday type of family. I was taught creationism obviously, and when I went away to college and took my first anthropology class, it broke me. I felt deceived by my family, I didn't know who to trust, and I felt a deep loss as if I'd lost a piece of myself because I had believed one thing my whole life, and then was shown irrefutable evidence that contradicted all of it.
It took me almost 10 years to come back to religion in any form, and I did it on my own terms. Today I would call myself agnostic.. I really do believe there is some kind of something out there, but I don't know what form it takes or what influence it has. I am a firm believer in free will. I don't go to church, but I do find myself clinging to that promised hope in moments where I feel weak. My oldest daughter goes to a youth group, and I neither encourage nor discourage her from walking her own journey. My husband was raised LDS and served a two year mission in Colombia. He left the church about a year before he and I met and we are still working on getting his family to accept where he stands.
Religion is a tricky thing, and I feel it is so, so personal. I don't think any two people on the planet believe exactly the same thing, and I don't think it is our place to try and influence anyone in any direction.
Soap box - end. Just something I've spent so much time contemplating. I think introspection and really digging in to what you're feeling is the key to finding your perfect balance. Good luck!
faded memories CountingStars ⋅ October 30, 2019
I feel like going to a Christian college didn’t do me any favors. I was surrounded by all these really intellectual people but they all only had one world view. I’m not pushing college on my kids either way but I feel like a non religious school is probably the way to go.
Curious— how does your family react to you not being Christian?
CountingStars faded memories ⋅ October 30, 2019
My family has been okay. They don't know the extent of the existential crisis I went through, they just know I took some time to find my own way. I never flat-out told them "I'm not Christian anymore." I told them my beliefs have evolved as I've accumulated more knowledge and that I am practicing my faith in the way that feels most comfortable to me. Evolved. Haha.. no pun intended.
My husband's family has been the bigger challenge. We will still go to church with them once in awhile, especially when his siblings are in town or something, but we don't actively participate or take sacrament when it is offered. His mom has asked me twice now to "help him find his way back" to the church, and each time I've told her I support whatever path he wants to take, but that it is his decision. I will defer to and compromise with him on a lot of things, but not a personal thing like faith. That's 100% his choice to make.
It's tough! It's such a lightning rod subject that everyone feels passionately about. I think you're on the right track to dig in to what you're feeling and trust what feels right to you. I don't believe that any kind of god would want conflict in his name, especially when it comes to the relationships with family members. Grace and compassion are kind of the major tenets of the Bible, and the current "You're wrong if you don't believe the same thing as me" culture is really doing more harm than good in bringing people closer to Christianity.
faded memories CountingStars ⋅ October 30, 2019
I completely agree about the current culture being super toxic. And the confirmation bias of “the Bible says this is true so it must be”
I don’t know if I could ever tell especially my mom that I am at a point where I flat out don’t think the Bible is true. I will probably take a similar approach to you. I have already had conversations with my mom about how modern churches make me crazy. So I think she will get where I’m coming from but will still be disappointed and concerned.
My husbands family is actually easier. His brother and sister both don’t go to church currently. I’m not sure where any of them stand with religion but it has sort of paved the way for us. I’m sure his dad will feel like a failure raising 3 kids that don’t want to go to church. But I know that’s not my responsibility
Myth ⋅ October 31, 2019
Thank you for allowing us share our experience or give sort of advice .. I think there is something you have said that hauling you from (Atheism) to (faith) when you said (I still believe in a higher power. God, if you will.) Then I agree with you don't need the bible of the church to know your God .. or how they want you to know him, you need your mind to reach the truth of life, death, nature, time etc. Philosophers had discussed these topics repeatedly, pecially the existence of God, the creation of the univers, matter, soul, virtue,ethics,religion etc.. and they reached no agreement. Myself I do believe that if there is some power brought me to this world (birth), and that power will take me out of it (death) I must believe in that power, which indeed has the ability of resurrecting me once again. I believe that the mechanism of the whole univers is functioning in a very perfect consistent manner in such way verily proves the existence of its creator ! (in winter .. ants store food .. birds heading south .. froges sleep) how they know these living tactics ..??
Star Maiden ⋅ November 01, 2019
I have to say, I LOVED reading this. :)
I never ever believed, even when taken to church or attending "religion classes." I vividly remember being in one of those classes, I had to be under 10 at the time. The book asked us to "rank" the following: God, Family, Friends, Pets, etc. I put God at the very bottom of the list, cause, well, all those other things were real and God just... wasn't. I got yelled at and told that God should be at the very top of the list and I had to redo the project.
My grandfather died out of the blue when I was a kid. I was given a book by the church about how he went to heaven. I threw it out. It was not what I needed at the time.
My husband has always leaned more agnostic, but I think he's finally come around to being an atheist like me. We're both scientists - we believe in what can be proven. God can't be proven. Data shows that religion causes turmoil. None of it makes any sense to either one of us.
I struggle with certain holidays since having our son. Do we "celebrate" easter? We decided that sure, we'll bring him to easter egg hunts, but that's the extent of it. Same type of thing with Christmas. We just leave out the religious parts of it.