Here I am, working from home. I’d probably write here a lot more if I felt comfortable writing during the day at work. Whether or not they are paying attention, I know they have the ability to monitor me at work, so I don’t like to do too much personal stuff. When I am at home at night I usually don’t go on my computer at all since I’m sick of computers by then. Today I’m working from home but don’t feel like working, so I have my personal laptop open.
I have been having a lot of anxiety this week. I think it is primarily because I am expecting a call from my doctor with my MRI results. Actually, yesterday I noticed the online portal had the radiologist’s report. I nearly had a heart attack when I saw that, and quickly pulled up the report and began reading. I had to do a lot of googling, but most of the report was medical jargon describing all the normal stuff I have. The main finding is that I still have a cyst, but that it has reduced in size. A year and a half ago, before tonsillectomy and all the drama, it was: 2 x 3.65 x 5.35 cm, and now it is .6 x 1.8 x 4.1 cm.
What are the implications of that? I don’t know. The size/volume of it has never been the problem, its ability to become infected has been the problem. I don’t know how much that correlates with size. It seems to me that a couple cm of reduction wouldn’t make much of a difference in that respect.
In the past I was told that removing it would probably have to happen through my neck, and that it’s in a bad location. The report says it sits on the plane of my T2 vertebrae, right up against a major artery in my neck, so if they were to attempt to remove it and nick the artery in the process, it would be pretty bad. My doctor was never keen on the prospect of operating on it, and who wants to sign up for a surgery where their doctor isn’t psyched to do it? Now that I think about it, he may be gathering other opinions before he calls me. He did this while I was in the hospital - consulted other surgeons and doctors to help him decide what to do. I respect that strategy and I’m happy to wait, but also the anxiety will not go away until I hear more.
As soon as I started to think about the possibility of more surgery, lots of the trauma from the past year came flooding back. And then I also started thinking about / reliving medical trauma from when I was 16-18 and had ovarian cysts rupture. The bad treatment and neglect from my parents and some medical staff makes my skin crawl. But yeah, it’s been hard to think straight the past few days. I’m hoping the fog will lift once I get the phone call.